Happy Holidays

I have always been baffled by people who tell me that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I'm a Halloween gal myself-there's no other day in the year where running around with a fake blood-covered weapon is socially acceptable. Still, 9 times out of 10, people answer that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I used to be unconvinced by their insistence that the holiday was so important because of the time they could spend with their family-I thought it was a thinly veiled attempt to pretend that it wasn't all about the gifts. Only recently did I consider that I have been too quick to judge.

I have an extremely close family. When I say my family is "close," I don't simply mean that we like each other and get along well at family gatherings. I mean that we go beyond the definition of family-people tied together by blood and/or marriage-and go straight into friendship. How could friendship be a more important bond than blood, you ask? Because blood isn't chosen...friends are. We spend insane amounts of time together. My aunts, uncles, and cousins are some of the greatest friends I have. We don't give each other phone calls every few weeks to say hello, or send Hallmark cards every passing holiday. Those things aren't necessary. We don't go long enough without seeing each other for those things to BE necessary. But only recently have I begun to realize that most families ONLY get Christmastime to connect in person. The thought of that makes me incredibly sad. To me, those families are strangers. If you only really talk to someone once or twice a year, how can you really know them? I may be wrong, but I don't know how to look at it any other way. Christmas doesn't inspire any feelings in me, other than anxiety for how I'm going to buy all of those expected gifts. I don't feel a special sense of peace, a special sense of happiness about spending that time with my family. I have a sense of peace and happiness whenever I am with them, which is quite often.

I know I talk about how much I love my family on a regular basis, but I can't say it enough. I don't get tired of it and I don't apologize for it. I am so grateful to have them, and I feel truly sorry for those families who don't have the bond that we do. More than once, friends of mine have commented on how they wish their families could be as close as my family is. For their sakes, I wish that too.

Pay It Forward

I'm very good at noticing all of the positive things in life, but I rarely acknowledge them publicly. I tend to journal/blog/complain about everything going wrong in my life, and don't speak enough of the good things that keep me sane. So, in an effort to Oprah-fy my blog, I figured I'd share some of the stuff that I am so grateful for.

1. MY SIBLINGS
They are my whole life. I love them more than anyone has ever loved their siblings. I don't have children, but I equate the love I have for them to the love a parent has for a child. The thought of losing them completely paralyzes me. They are the only 3 people on this planet who have some sort of idea about who I really am. Everyone else just gets bits and pieces. They make me whole.

2. MY FAMILY
My siblings are technically included in this category, but they deserved their own recognition because they are so special to me. The rest of my family, including my parents, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins, are the best in the world. They are not perfect. They don't have money, they aren't always the nicest, they are the first to call someone and tell them the "secret" that you just told them. But hands down, they always come through when I need something, and we stand together through the toughest of times.

3. MY FRIENDS
I don't use the term "friend" lightly. If you were once my friend, you are always my friend. Even if I hate you. I will do anything for my friends, even though I know that not all of them would do anything for me. They make me laugh, they make me cry, but they still make ME.

4. MY CAR
It may not be the nicest, but it gets me to and from the job that I need to make money to support myself. I am forever grateful for having a reliable vehicle.

5. VEGAN DIET
It changes your life. I know, because it changed mine. One of the best decisions I ever made. Even if I "fail" and slip up, I know this is a wagon that I want to always get back on.

6. EVE6
It may seem strange that I am including a band on this list, but their music is such a big part of my life. I have been to tons of shows, met them quite a few times, and they are always #1 on my ipod. I have met and become quite close to many other fans, and it doesn't cease to amaze me that our love for the same band has kept us a part of each others' lives for so long.

7. MY LAPTOP (A.K.A. LAPPY)
Yes, I named my laptop. No, I am not ashamed. Not only do I refer to him (yes, it is a male) as "Lappy," but so do my siblings and a few close friends. I bought him as a breakup present to myself in 2007 (a mani/pedi wouldn't suffice), and I have never regretted it. Every time I open Lappy up, I tell him how grateful I am that he still works so well. I've even forgiven him for not opening up my disc drive. I better move on before I sound even creepier.

8. MY BLACKBERRY
I should have just written "MY LIFE."

9. MY JOURNALS
I've always had the answer to the question "If your house was on fire, what would you grab?" My answer is always "My journals." I sincerely doubt my ability to grab and carry 20 or so journals out of my burning apartment, but I've kept one since I was 8 and would be heartbroken if even one page were to be lost.

10. MY JOB
Not only is it good that I have one in general, but the pay is great, and it's easy. I'm actually getting paid as I blog, because the boy that I take care of is sleeping. Now THAT's winning!

Of course, I'm grateful for many other things, but I figure 10 is a good starting point. ANY point is a better starting point than none!

Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Personally, I'd be thrilled if life threw a few lemons my way. Lemonade would be a lot tastier than the tap water that I've been forced to drink due to my own financial responsibility (and therefore lack of funds to buy tastier beverages). But life has not given me lemons. Instead, life has given me ample opportunity. It is not life's fault that I've made the same mistakes recklessly and repeatedly, yet it is the first thing I blame when things aren't going right. Humans tend to place blame on everything but themselves, and I am no exception. Luckily, I am able to recognize this fact (something that not all humans can do).

Back in April, I began a massive life cleanup. Or, I should say, I intended for it to be massive. In reality, it was more gradual. I'm still in the process of cleaning up the messes that I've made, and I have a feeling that it will be quite some time before I'm finished. Sometimes I relapse, but I always find a way to bounce back. Lately, I've found myself relapsing more and more often. I know the right things to do, and most of the time I do them. But sometimes I don't. And those few times where I make the wrong choices usually leave me curled up in the fetal position, trying not to sob. After I'm through feeling adequately sorry for myself, I suddenly build determination, vow never to make that mistake again, and implement a plan to stay on the right path. It definitely works! Unfortunately, it only works until I blow it, and then the cycle continues. It's always disappointing when someone else lets you down, but it goes beyond disappointment when I let myself down-I'm ashamed. I've been ashamed of my behavior for weeks now, despite my good intentions. I'm glad that I'm struggling with it-it's a good reminder of why I need to change my ways and how exactly to do it. I'm not exactly sure what my next step is. I'm just hoping that I don't fall down the stairs.

Chloroform

What is it about a song that can leave you completely incapacitated? There are happy songs, sad songs, love songs, angry songs...and each of us connect to them in different ways. The same song that makes someone think fondly about the one they love can make someone else mourn someone that they've lost. There are songs that I can't listen to for fear of a breakdown. When I'm feeling low, there are songs that I listen to on repeat for hours, unable to pull myself out of a catatonic state. Three years ago, while laying in my bed late in the afternoon, I roused from my stupor and noticed my iTunes playlist. I'd listened to Staind's "Epiphany" 78 times in a row (this was obviously during one of my "lows"). Often, I'll be driving and play a song (such as "Shake Ya Tailfeather") and it'll make me so happy that I'll have to play it over and over again. In those moments, no other song will suffice-only the song in question will resonate with me. Songs are like poems, they are interpreted differently by each person who hears them. We draw connections based on our own experiences, and no one on this earth has the exact same experiences. I love hearing other peoples' thoughts on music; sometimes it is so vastly different from the opinion I had of it. Sometimes I end up loving songs that I originally hated. Once my perspective changes, my opinions do too. Last night all I could think about was the lyrics to Cauterize songs, and today I was practically bouncing out of my seat listening to Aqua's first album. It's amazing how music can pull you from one extreme to the other. Songs are like cheap therapy. Of course, only if they weren't illegally downloaded. In that case, they're free therapy.

One Day At A Time

Addiction is powerful. It doesn't matter what one is addicted to. One of the biggest addictions that almost all humans face is the addiction to food. We all have to eat, of course. But in American society, we don't just eat-we EAT. We eat food that we know is not good for us. If it can't be bought in a drive-thru, already made in the deli section of the grocery store, or heated up in the microwave, then we aren't interested. The economy is failing, but many restaurants are showing INCREASES in revenue. So we're making less money, and spending our already sparse paychecks on Chili's Two-For-Twenty deal because hey, that's a bargain! We can't be bothered with cooking meals at home made with fresh, organic ingredients. "Too expensive" or "too time consuming," people say. Until they go for their yearly checkup and hear that they're obese. Not overweight. Not fat. Obese. For some people, even that isn't a big enough wakeup call. But for most, it's a turning point. It's when we realize that it's do or die. Literally.

I am fortunate enough to have gotten fat. Yes, I said fortunate. Gaining weight was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because it opened my eyes to a new way of living. Having spent 21 years of my life as a very thin person and then suddenly gaining a LARGE amount of weight VERY quickly (30 pounds in a month and a half!), I felt a little lost as to how to handle it. I kept putting on weight (though not at that same rate-no more drinking 3 bottles of malibu rum for me!), and then I realized that my metabolism was just not the same as it had been most of my life. In fact, I wasn't sure I had a metabolism at all anymore. It's quite possible I drank it away...Anyway, I could no longer get away with not exercising and eating whatever I wanted. After a few months, I was flipping through a magazine article and saw that Alicia Silverstone was coming out with a book called "The Kind Diet." Now, even at my heaviest weight, I was not naive or desperate enough to succumb to a fad diet. I know (and so should everyone else) that the only way to lose weight is to eat well and exercise regularly. But the title is misleading. After a little research, I found that this was not a diet plan trying to sell me supplements, equipment, or false information. So I bought it. My research proved to be correct-it was not a "diet" book-it was a lifestyle makeover. The only teeny weeny problem was that becoming a vegan meant giving up the only way of eating I had ever known-a diet with a heavy emphasis on meat and dairy.

I started reading "The Kind Diet" on a Friday in November, and by the time I had finished it by Monday I was a full blown vegetarian. I have not touched meat since then. I knew that giving up dairy wouldn't be quite as easy, so I gave myself a "quit date"-New Years Day. My first attempt at veganism lasted 2 months. I lost 19 pounds, without exercise. The only thing I was doing differently was eliminating dairy (and the meat that I'd given up months prior). I was still eating french fries, chips, and (vegan) junk food, but I was losing weight very quickly without any effort. I slipped back into my "old ways" and started eating dairy again by March, but I have never even missed meat since giving it up almost 2 years ago.

A few months ago, I realized that I was unhappy with many aspects of my life, and decided to re-evaluate the direction I was headed in. I simply couldn't ignore that the dairy in my diet was poisoning my body. I decided to re-read the books on veganism that I had accumulated over the years and remind myself of why I had adopted a cruelty-free lifestyle in the first place. I am so glad that I did. The first 3 days without dairy were difficult. I was grumpy and would have probably sold my soul for a slice of pizza, but I didn't cave. On the 4th day, I woke up without any cravings. And the next. And the next. It's day 16 now, and I've cooked pizza, ravioli, macaroni and cheese, and brownies with the kid that I babysit for and have not once felt the urge to stray. I can't say how long that will last, but I can say that I am much more committed (and much more educated) than I was during my first attempt at veganism. I now realize that if I "fall off the wagon," I can simply just get back on. It's easier that way. In just over two weeks, I've lost 8 pounds, my skin has improved, and I feel much better in general. I've taken a big step in the right direction to breaking the addiciton do dairy, and as long as I do that every day, I'll finally get rid of those toxins for good.

I know that not everyone is ready to make the change to a vegan lifestyle, but make no mistake-everyone IS capable of it. I hate hearing "oh, I could never do that." Sure you could. You just don't. I do think that it's important for all of us to know that what is going into our mouths impacts our both our precious bodies and the environment, and I think that everyone should try to implement more vegetable-centric dishes in their diets. Your booty-and your bank account-will thank you.

Kickstart

I just quit the easiest job anyone will ever have. I just drank a glass of 7up and grabbed 2 cookies out of the cabinet, strolled into the office, and read the last few tweets on my newsfeed, all while getting paid for it. I could take a nap if I wanted to (and I probably will, when I get tired enough). So why would I give up this easy $560 per month? Let's rewind.

A few weeks ago, I was browsing through kickstarter.com in order to decide which project I'd like to fund next (yes, I frequently spend my money on things like that), and I came across a title that stuck out- "I'm Miserable But Change Scares Me." It was a play by Max Cramer, who, coincidentally, is someone I graduated high school with (and yes, I donated the remainder of the money that he needed to meet his goal). I could not stop thinking about those words. I'm miserable but change scares me. It was true. I WAS miserable and change DID scare me. So I thought-what am I going to do about it? I had two choices: I could continue being miserable and afraid of change, or I could make a change and see what happened. I chose option B. The teeny, tiny problem was, I wasn't sure exactly what I should change. I've been making many small changes to my life over the last few months, but I still wasn't happy. I'd been singing "come on, get happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it pushed me to the point of tear-I WANTED to, but i couldn't figure out how! I had been toying with the idea of quitting this job for quite some time. Regardless of how easy it is, or if I get to squeeze in an hour or two of shut eye, it's still a pain in the ass to work NON STOP from Wednesday at 8:00 am to Friday at 6:00 pm. Literally, non stop. So when I moved into a cheaper apartment, I immediately wanted to figure out a way to cut back my hours. I can't change my schedule at my full time job. I don't mind working Saturdays. But those two pesky overnights are literally the bane of my existence!

Unfortunately, making the decision that I wanted to quit wasn't good enough. Change still scared me. Deciding that I wanted to quit was much easier than actually quitting. Quitting meant that I would be missing out on quite a bit of money per month. Which meant that I couldn't go out to eat whenever I wanted, or blow $100 on clothes just because I was bored. It meant that I'd have to plan my shopping trips in advance, and follow-GULP-a budget. The dreaded B word! For months, I've been walking into this office, saying "I really need to quit this job" and then...not quitting. We all crave stability, of course, but I find it especially appetizing. I didn't have much of it growing up. I was a food stamp kid for a while. So my subconscious (and my tummy) really likes when I can go out and buy myself a nice meal. My wallet (and my jeans) don't get along with my subconscious. It's been an entertaining battle, one that I convinced myself I had no control over. But I did. I do.

Today, I decided to stop being miserable just because change scares me. I decided that I would give myself until 11:00 pm (when I'm due at work) to make the final decision. Then I received an email from my boss saying that there is a mandatory training program that takes place on July 18. July 18 also happens to be the first day of my weeklong vacation from my fulltime job. My body went into defense mode. WHAT? MANDATORY TRAINING? ON MY FIRST DAY OF MY VERY FIRST VACATION EVER? Then, a little voice in my head said, "Maybe it's a sign." It felt like a lightbulb went off. Of course it was a sign. If my two week's notice was put in today, that training would fall just outside of my last required day at work. I didn't need any other opinions. My mind was made up.

And so it is done. I feel like I was a baby when I started this job. I was dating my first boyfriend, a person that I don't even know anymore. Not him, but me. It's so strange how when you come to an ending, all you can think about is the beginning. It's going to be strange for me, a person who literally works all the time because I don't know what else to do, to not have such a jam packed schedule. Sure, I'll still be working a 65 hour week, but that's peanuts compared to the 80+ hours I've been working for YEARS. And I can't be positive that this is THE change I've been looking for, either. The point is, I'm miserable, and instead of sitting around hoping that things get better, I'm going to keep making changes until I figure out which change is the right one.

Farewell- Per Tutti, Target shopping sprees, $20 lipgloss, and popcorn at the movies.
Here's to penny pinching, Expect Discounts, home cooked meals, and coupon clipping.

Collections

I've often wondered if everyone suffers from addiction. Aren't we all addicted to SOMETHING? Coffee, cigarettes, candy, exercise, putting on chapstick... I may just be generalizing American culture, as I've never lived in any other culture to observe their habits, but it got me thinking about addiction in general. Can someone be addicted to addiction? I feel that way about myself sometimes. I HAVE to be obsessed with something. A movie, an actor, a designer's new line, nail polish, hair, cleaning...ANYTHING. I wonder if it's my brain's attempt at forcing out life's daily stressors and concentrating only on one thing so as to distract it from the negativity that sometimes comes with life. The problem is, sometimes people can become addicted to things that aren't so good for them. I've struggled with many issues over the course of my 24 years (as have every other human being on this Earth), but never actually dealt with any of them because my brain focused on something else for the time being. That would have been okay with me, if those sneaky little issues didn't keep fighting their way to the surface every now and then. But they do. And lately a multitude of things have reared their ugly heads in my life, and I've been in self-exile. I hope that my friends don't take it personally; I love them all so dearly. I've just been spending more time alone, which I not-so-jokingly refer to as "rehab," in an attempt to fix what I have allowed to break. It has taken me a long time to realize the importance of taking care of myself. I can no longer risk being involved in destructive behavior.

The friends you have are not necessarily people who know much about you. They may know the person that you show them, but for some people, the person you are changes depending on the person you're with. I am one of those people. Because of my brain's "focus," sometimes, I get lost in who I think I am and who I actually am. I came up with only one remedy-spend time away from others so that I cannot be influenced by them. Eventually all that will be left is me. Once I can strip away the layers of someone else that I've built over myself, I hope to emerge a person who will live a life of purpose, and not just live a life.

A Simple Kind of Life

I've been making great strides to get organized, but I have a LOT to go. I really could be doing a lot better, but I've been choosing to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Constantly beating myself up over what I'm NOT doing really brings me down and makes me feel like not doing anything at all. I'm making so many changes all at once, I'm bound to need a bit of time to adjust.

Speaking of changes, the saying "you are who your friends are" is actually true. The people you surround yourself with really effects who you are as a person. I just cannot keep negative people in my life. I understand that all humans have different personalities, but all people should have a basic level of respect and kindness for others. If you don't, I don't want you around me. I just cannot have the life drained out of me by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't want to spend time with people who feel like they are the center of the universe. If you can't see the bigger picture, then I don't want to be in yours.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (by choice!), and instead of spiraling out of control like I used to during bouts of solitude, I've been being productive. I simply do not miss going out to the bar and staying up late damaging my organs only to wake up a few hours later to either work or vomit. I'm much happier leading "a simple kind of life"-reading, cleaning, cooking, watching the TV shows of my 'youth,' and spending time with the people that I love most. Isn't that what it's REALLY all about?

Eye of the Storm

The cliche saying "it always gets worse before it gets better" holds true. My "life cleanup" isn't following the fairy tale process that I had imagined, but it is at continuing at a steady speed. Unfortunately, although the speed IS steady, it's at the pace of a snail. I know that major life changes do not come easily or quickly, and they take effort and willpower, but it's frustrating to get little to no payback proving that what I'm doing is working. Only time will tell (I'm chock full of cliches today!).

The issue that's been plaguing me is the age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I think I need to draw the line between what I want to do, and what will actually be a profitable career. I am not interested in making bucketloads of money, and I will not get a degree in something that does not interest me, but it seems fairly unrealistic to think that I will be able to support myself by writing poems and memoirs that potentially might not ever be published. I am leaning toward substance abuse counseling, mostly because I would love to help people fight their inner demons and discover a light in all the dark. Also, a career in that field would make for interesting stories to write, therefore bridging the gap between both job and passion. I have a lot of money to make and a lot of money to save before that can happen, but the point is, it CAN happen. I'll just have to pry open that can of elbow grease.

Back Here, Baby

The decision that my fate rested in has finally been made-it's back to LBT for me. I'm beyond excited to be moving back to the first apartment I ever rented. So much of my life happened in the year and a half that Sam and I lived there...I dated a guy I didn't love in an attempt to get over one that I did, I got a job that taught me more about life and myself in six months than I'd learned in 20 years, I had a traumatic experience with someone that I thought meant something in my life, I got fired, and then everything crashed and burned. It was a strange time, January 2008-June 2009. And although I haven no interest in crazy partying anymore, it definitely was the foundation to quasi-alcoholism: a good portion of that time period was spent in a drunken coma (or in the inescapable hangover that followed)....a fair number of parties were hosted, and I'm sure that there were plenty of brown patches on the grass around the porch (stomach acid does that, I hear). But there was something "homey" about the place, and even though it never felt like "home" per se, it was pretty damn close. It's going to be strange to be living there without my sister, because I feel like that place is representative of both her and I together, not separate. I was never used to being alone until this past year at Grassy Plain, and it's a strange feeling to come home and not expect anyone else to be there. But this is going to be different-I'm no longer going to feel like I'm living in a hotel, in a place where I don't belong. I'm finally going to feel like I can be at peace. And peace, apparently, only costs $400-per-month.

Overnight Celebrity

In a culture that is obsessed with celebrities, it's not hard to see why the pursuit of physical perfection is so prevelant (how's that for alliteration!). All cultures have standards of beauty, and none of them exactly mirror another, but America's standards are chock-full of contradiction. Big breasted hourglass figures are supposedly the most sought after, but the vast majority of models are pin thin with chests that rival that of a 6th grade boy. And there is nothing wrong with that (as long as this body type is natural and not the effect of starvation or disordered eating), but it does send mixed signals to the impressionable females of the younger generation. Not enough is being done to promote healthy body image. Instead, we're all trying to look like famous people-an elite group that is fortunate enough to be able to afford weekly facials, massages, waxes, dyejobs, boobjobs, manicures, pedicures, botox, bleachings, and other enhancing procedures. Celebrities make their money based on their appearance, and they understandably want to stall the aging process in order to continue to be relevant in an industry where youth is everything. But those of us whose incomes do not depend on our lack of wrinkles don't have to subject ourselves to such procedures, we do it as a result of sheer vanity. The amusing (or not so amusing, depending on how you interpret it) thing is, the vast majority of our country is overweight. Meaning, we're a country of fat people who covet the looks of slim people who can afford to keep up their youthful appearances. We're obsessed with this idea of perfection, but not interested in putting in the work to attain it. We want to join prestigious gyms, but not actually go to them. We want to eat a supersize BigMac meal a few times a week, but are baffled by the fact that we aren't getting any thinner. We spent millions of dollars a year on diet pills that we should KNOW do not work, because if they did, no one would be fat. Women spend thousands of dollars a year to change their hair color, buy makeup to cover their skin, enhance their eyes, contour their cheeks, plump their lips. But going too far has disasterous results. We've all seen the 40-something woman walking through the mall wearing what seems like her teenage daughter's skinny jeans and Ugg boots, while carrying a Mochaccino and texting on her iPhone. And what do we do when we see this? Fall over each other to admire her beauty? No. Usually, we snigger as she walks by, because in her attempt to turn back the clock, she has actually made herself stand out as someone who is, well, attempting to turn back the clock. There's a fine line between looking youthful and vital and trying too hard. Perhaps it's time to start teaching the youth that exercise and eating right should be the foundation for a healthy and beautiful body, and that it isn't always necessary to smother ourselves with products that drastically alter our appearance. We don't all need to look famous. We need to look like ourselves. We just need to be willing to put in the work to make it the best version of ourselves we can be-without the nips and tucks.

Rest Assured

You know the feeling when everything boils down to one person's decision, and you have no control over it? It's like being stuck on the edge of a cliff, waiting to see if the wind is going to push you over or pull you to safety. Right now, I've been presented with two opportunities, and one of them is much less appealing than the other. Obviously, I'd like to walk away with the more desirable of the two, but it all hangs in the balance of someone else's decision. I desperately need to save money, and I can do with both options, but I'd also love to keep my privacy and sanity. Waiting around for an answer is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. I don't know how to go about planning for something if I'm not sure what that something is yet. Either way, I need to ditch my old attitude and assume a new one...hopefully I find out what that is soon enough...

I-Can't-Get-No...Sat-is-fac-tion

Because of my extensive amounts of "free time" at work (and a severe BlackBerry addiction), I stumbled upon the film "Peach Plum Pear," and was immediately struck with the desire to see it. Doing a little research, I found that the film was made by three women, which is promising in itself, but when I saw the bio's on the director, producer, and writer, my jaw dropped. The director is the oldest of the three, and she's 26, the other two being 23 years old. It got me thinking seriously about where I am in life, and my dissatisfaction with it. I could blame it on my childhood, my parents, my lack of financial resources, but it basically boils down to the fact that I just don't have the desire to BECOME anything. I grew up thinking I wanted to be a teacher, and basically flushed thousands of dollars down the toilet because after 3 years of paying for school, I realized I'd just been repeating my 8 year old dream for over 10 years and not ACTUALLY thinking about whether I wanted to attain that goal anymore. So now what? What do I want to be? Financially secure comes to mind, but how do I get there without a "dream job" in place? I don't have any skills, unless making little kids laugh and cleaning dirty diapers counts. I love my job(s) as a nanny, I really do, but it's not fulfilling and it has no room for advancement. I want a job that lights a fire in me, and the ability to keep stirring the coals over the years instead of dreading the day where I'm so burnt out that I can't even say "do you want fries with that?" Once my goal of being debt free is met (hopefully, but unrealistically, by December 31), I hope to be able to explore what makes me feel whole and attempt to make a career out of it. I'm sick of living a half-life.

Closing Time

It's March 1st, and the lease on my apartment is up at the end of the month. I am beyond excited to leave. Of course, there have been great times at LBT^2, but I came into it during turmoil and the negativity stayed. It was almost tangible. It never felt like "home" to me, but then again, no place ever has (thanks for the nomad lifestyle, dad). Instead, I felt like it was a 'crash pad,' which I suppose it was most of the time. LBT^2 housed 2 different friends when they needed a place to go, on top of the countless slumber parties where people were too drunk to leave and I was too drunk to care. But at the end of every day, when I walk through the door, there is no sense of relief, no sense of belonging (story of my life). There's something light and open about this new place, and I can't wait to call it home. It's cheaper, nicer (in my opinion, which in this case is the only one that
matters), close to my gym and closer to my best friend, and far enough away from the negativity that has plagued me for quite some time now. It's month to month, so I have no permanent ties, which is good for someone like me who is constantly drifting through life with no definite purpose. The point, of course, is to pay down my bills so I CAN have a purpose, or at least work toward one. Overall, I feel like I've been poisoned and am now finally starting to suck it all out of me. I just hope I don't spit it in anyone else's direction.

Anna

Her pale, flaking skin is tightly stretched
across her protruding cheekbones,
looking almost as if it would rip if she smiled.
But she won't.

I put my hand on hers,
more to comfort myself than to console her.
Her hand is dry, rough, cold.
Not even the warmth of my skin
could defrost her bony fingers.
She puts her head on my shoulder,
and I can feel her tears falling
onto my chest.

We sit in silence.
No words would ease her pain anyway.
But I burned to ask her why.
Why?
She was once so beautiful, so vibrant, so
full of life. All that is gone now,
flushed away along with today's vomit.

She smells like it now.
A putrid, overwhelming stench.
Her teeth were yellowing,
and her tongue, although a whitish pink,
sometimes revealed speckles of red from when
the blood from her eroding esophagus finally
made its way up to her mouth.

She sobs, and I pull her closer,
her sharp shoulder bone piercing even deeper
into me.
"Tomorrow will be better," I saw, and she nods-
even though we both know it isn't true.

And So It Begins

Tomorrow begins my 66 day challenge. While the goals are unnecessary to share with anyone, the point is clear-it takes 66 days to make a change become a habit. I have plenty of changes that need to be made (who doesn't?), but I'm starting with just a few to test my willpower. I suppose a test of willpower isn't necessary, because if I had any, I wouldn't need to do a 66 day challenge, but I digress. So far in life, I've always lived for the present. I ignore the past, because it hurts, and I don't count on the future, because it's not guaranteed. This way of living is idealistic and simply doesn't work. All 3 must be combined in order to form a well rounded view on life. I'm constantly stressing out about things that would be unnecessary to worry about if I hadn't messed them up in the first place. I also realize that much of the negative energy in my life can be attributed to my attempts to clean up messes that aren't mine. I'm always on the fence about that. Isn't it better to help others before yourself? Isn't putting yourself first selfish? Obviously yes, based on definition, but we're constantly being told "you can't help others until you help yourself." My entire life proves how false that cliché is.

Essentially...

There are 7 people essential to my survival. That might sound dramatic, but it is 100% true. I was always non-religious (so much so that I'd make my aunt cry and beg jesus to save my soul everytime she saw me) until 2004. I haven't ever told anyone what changed me so drastically, because it would mean giving up two secrets I've kept from every other human being. They might be the only 2 secrets about myself I've ever actually kept. Either way, it changed me. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but it gave me something I'd never bothered with before-hope. Jayden set everything into motion, and the arrivals of Audrey, Kaleb, and Cami expanded my heart so much I'm not sure how it even fits in my chest. Them, and my siblings, are my entire life. Sometimes they're the only thing that gets me through the day. The babies can't possibly know how much they mean to me, and I think my
siblings underestimate their worth. But I simply would not be able to function without them.

It's funny how some people don't realize the effect they have on you, while others overestimate their importance in your life....

Fw: No Time But The Present

While going through old blog entries last night, I found that both everything and nothing have changed. I suppose that when any person reflects, they feel the same way.

I've been going about things in such a lackadaisical way, so in an effort to fix that, I hired a personal assistant. Which is just a fancy sounding term for someone I pay to do me favors and remind me of things I'd otherwise forget about. He holds me accountable for things that I have promised to do (yet wouldn't do if someone wasn't making sure they were done). Some might say it's pure laziness on my part, and they could be right, but I simply cannot do everything that I need to do if I'm not held accountable for it somehow. Yeah. That does sound pathetic...

I'm hoping that I can get it together ASAP..

"Fancy Shirt"

i wrote this 3 years ago, but it is so fucking relevant...

I frequently get asked the "what do you want to be" question, and every time I always find it as amusing. What do you mean, what am I going to be? That question indicates that someday, I'll be something, but right now I'm not. I am not going to college to "become" something. I'm going to college to learn about things that I'm interested in. My goal is not to come out of college with a degree and "start my life." My life began 21 years ago. There have been many twists and turns, but there is only one beginning. It's also interesting to see people's faces when they hear I'm studying Anthropology and Sociology. "What can you do with that?" Well, I'll have a decent amount of knowledge about human beings and culture. My goal in life is simple-I want to live a great one. I don't care about money, presents, big houses, fancy cars, etc etc. I just want to have a good time. Why be miserable? In Communications today, our teacher had us go around and say what we were majoring. Then she asked us to say what our dream job would be. 80% of people's answers didn't match up. Why study something if your dream is to do something else? I don't know. It's either too complicated or too simple, but either way I'm done with worrying about things. Life is such a fragile state. I want to do cool shit, meet cool people, hear good music, see good movies, eat good food, and have good conversations. I want to be around people that I love and people that are awesome, regardless what other people think about them. I want to do whatever comes to my mind. Perhaps I have no money, but honestly, what the fuck does some green piece of paper mean when you're breathing your last breath? That you're hooked up to a fancier life support machine? It's senseless to care about bullshit like that. I just want to find a reason to smile and laugh every day, and so far I've been successful. I hope that I always am.

FINALLY

setting this up so i could post from my phone was harder than my junior year algebra 2 class.