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I've often wondered if everyone suffers from addiction. Aren't we all addicted to SOMETHING? Coffee, cigarettes, candy, exercise, putting on chapstick... I may just be generalizing American culture, as I've never lived in any other culture to observe their habits, but it got me thinking about addiction in general. Can someone be addicted to addiction? I feel that way about myself sometimes. I HAVE to be obsessed with something. A movie, an actor, a designer's new line, nail polish, hair, cleaning...ANYTHING. I wonder if it's my brain's attempt at forcing out life's daily stressors and concentrating only on one thing so as to distract it from the negativity that sometimes comes with life. The problem is, sometimes people can become addicted to things that aren't so good for them. I've struggled with many issues over the course of my 24 years (as have every other human being on this Earth), but never actually dealt with any of them because my brain focused on something else for the time being. That would have been okay with me, if those sneaky little issues didn't keep fighting their way to the surface every now and then. But they do. And lately a multitude of things have reared their ugly heads in my life, and I've been in self-exile. I hope that my friends don't take it personally; I love them all so dearly. I've just been spending more time alone, which I not-so-jokingly refer to as "rehab," in an attempt to fix what I have allowed to break. It has taken me a long time to realize the importance of taking care of myself. I can no longer risk being involved in destructive behavior.

The friends you have are not necessarily people who know much about you. They may know the person that you show them, but for some people, the person you are changes depending on the person you're with. I am one of those people. Because of my brain's "focus," sometimes, I get lost in who I think I am and who I actually am. I came up with only one remedy-spend time away from others so that I cannot be influenced by them. Eventually all that will be left is me. Once I can strip away the layers of someone else that I've built over myself, I hope to emerge a person who will live a life of purpose, and not just live a life.

A Simple Kind of Life

I've been making great strides to get organized, but I have a LOT to go. I really could be doing a lot better, but I've been choosing to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Constantly beating myself up over what I'm NOT doing really brings me down and makes me feel like not doing anything at all. I'm making so many changes all at once, I'm bound to need a bit of time to adjust.

Speaking of changes, the saying "you are who your friends are" is actually true. The people you surround yourself with really effects who you are as a person. I just cannot keep negative people in my life. I understand that all humans have different personalities, but all people should have a basic level of respect and kindness for others. If you don't, I don't want you around me. I just cannot have the life drained out of me by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't want to spend time with people who feel like they are the center of the universe. If you can't see the bigger picture, then I don't want to be in yours.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (by choice!), and instead of spiraling out of control like I used to during bouts of solitude, I've been being productive. I simply do not miss going out to the bar and staying up late damaging my organs only to wake up a few hours later to either work or vomit. I'm much happier leading "a simple kind of life"-reading, cleaning, cooking, watching the TV shows of my 'youth,' and spending time with the people that I love most. Isn't that what it's REALLY all about?