Forgive Me Father

There are far few things worse in this life than being made to look like a fool. It is especially difficult for someone who's biggest flaw is one of the most deadly of the Seven Deadly Sins-pride. The strange thing about me is, I realize when I'm being made to look like a fool, but I give people the benefit of the doubt. I allow myself to be treated like I'm expendable. Not because I believe that I am, but because a small part of me hopes that people have goodness left in them and will one day realize the error of their ways. Sadly, giving people this benefit is sucking the goodness out of me. I'm so concerned with helping other people to be the best that they can be that I'm stripping away the layers of myself. I'm getting to the point where I'm giving so much that there is nothing left to give. Once it gets to that point, there's nothing left for myself either. And it's true what they say-you can't help ANYONE until you can help yourself. I find it amusing because I'm told so often by my friends how calm and collected I am, how strong I am, and how I always do the right thing. Every single time I find myself wondering what it is they are seeing, because I certainly don't feel any of those things. I'm constantly bordering paranoia, I feel so fragile that one blow could crack me, and I allow myself to be involved with things that are just plain immoral. And I do it because I feel like I have to. I've been conditioned to be a caregiver. When I was little, I had to take care of myself and my siblings. That hasn't changed. I take care of kids for a living. I drop on a dime to do anything for my friends. I've been told over and over that I'm as close to a saint as a human can possibly be. But it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've given just about everything I have without expecting anything in return, from anyone. But just because I don't expect it doesn't mean that I don't deserve it. I deserve the same respect that I give. If I'm willing to stop what I'm doing to help out a friend, I don't expect them to do the same, but shouldn't they want to? It is this reason that I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of for so long. The past few days have opened my eyes to the fact that while pride may be deadly, at least it doesn't leave you feeling cheap. I realize now that I can't force goodness upon others. While I sincerely hope that everyone has goodness in them, I now see that I cannot necessarily bring it out of them, and that I shouldn't feel that I have to. I can't allow myself to become an empty shell because I have given every part of myself away. I deserve the same life that I try so hard to give other people. Instead of swallowing my pride, I'm keeping it on my plate.