This Is Oprah's Idea

I have never watched Oprah a day in my life (though not the same thing can be said for my father, who I have caught on numerous occasions indulging in the late afternoon talk show), but I think it's safe to assume that she's a fairly wise woman. You can't possibly get that rich by being an idiot (unless your last name is Hilton or you make a sex tape and then pitch a reality show-hmm, I suppose the former can also be grouped with the latter). So when my darling friend Sara suggested that I take Oprah's advice and create a list of things I require from a significant other, I obliged. Here is my list:

*Must love the movie "Clerks 2."
I don't care how you feel about "Clerks" (though if you don't like the original at all, I can't imagine you liking the sequel), but you must love "Clerks 2." Not like it, but love it. And you must not be opposed to watching it on a fairly regular basis.

*Must be willing to try my culinary creations.
I eat a vegan diet. I don't care if you eat meat or not, and I won't try to convert you, but if you aren't at least willing to try my concoctions, then CHECK PLEASE.

*Must be immature.
Most women are looking for grown up men who can take care of them. I am not one of them. If you can't turn almost anything into a sexual joke (or at least give me props when I beat you to the punch), then it won't work out.

*Must speak.
That sounds like a ridiculous requirement, but when you've dated someone who was not, shall we say, vocal, then you know how annoying it is to pick up both sides of a conversation. And trust me, I like to hear my own voice. But if you think I'm going to carve time out of my schedule to watch TV in silence with you, you're crazy. I could do that at my own house, without wasting the quarter tank in gas it takes to get to your house.

*Must be okay with me being a drunken mess.
If you know me, that's self explanitory. If you don't, then I'm sorry. Because I'm awesome. Now, I'm not someone who drinks every other day (anymore), but every once in while, I tend to forget that my liver doesn't need a whole bottle of vodka. On those days, I expect you to either LET me sleep in the woods if I insist, or at least laugh when I'm yelling at you for waking me up. Also, remind me to make sure BOTH shoes are on my feet on the way out of the bar.

*Must be flexible.
Not in the bedroom (well...). I'm talking about with life in general. If something unexpected happens, you've got to be able to handle it. You've got to adapt to life, it doesn't adapt to you.

*Must be tall.
Okay, that one isn't really a requirement. Being okay with letting me wear my 6 inch heels even if they make you look 6 inches shorter than me IS a requirement. This is also related to my "drunken mess" requirement, because if I AM wearing 6 inch heels and I'm drinking, take either the heels or the drink away from me.

*Must not be annoying.
I'll admit to suffering from minor bouts of annoying girlfriend syndrome in the past, but at this point in my life, I just don't care. I will not text you to say good morning (and I expect the same decency), I don't care if you go out with your friends (and I expect the same decency), and I won't make you buy me dinner/movie tickets/anything (and I expect the same decency). I don't want you to always be touching me, I'm fairly certain I can stand up straight without support (unless, of course, we're again in that 'drunken mess' situation). I don't need to know what you're doing every second of the day (nor do I care). Don't complain about my guy friends (I had them before I even knew you, and if I haven't had sex with them yet, there's a reason for it).

*Must love my family.
I am very close to all of my family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. You can find me and my uncle at opposite ends of the beer pong table in my cousin's garage, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you don't want to come to family parties and make these people some of your favorite in the world, then don't bother. We'll finish the keg without you.

*Must not be an addict.
I just can't be involved with any sort of 12 step program.

*Must love kids.
I didn't say want them, I said love them. There are a lot of kids in my life, and if you can't grab a nerf gun or a tiara and make them laugh, then you are probably not human and I'm not into inter-species erotica, despite my love for "Clerks 2."

*Must be funny.
For a world that is filled with people that always say a sense of humor is important, there sure are a lot of frowns out there. Be the kind of person that can turn them upside down.

If you meet these requirements, call me (but not TOO often).

Happy Holidays

I have always been baffled by people who tell me that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I'm a Halloween gal myself-there's no other day in the year where running around with a fake blood-covered weapon is socially acceptable. Still, 9 times out of 10, people answer that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I used to be unconvinced by their insistence that the holiday was so important because of the time they could spend with their family-I thought it was a thinly veiled attempt to pretend that it wasn't all about the gifts. Only recently did I consider that I have been too quick to judge.

I have an extremely close family. When I say my family is "close," I don't simply mean that we like each other and get along well at family gatherings. I mean that we go beyond the definition of family-people tied together by blood and/or marriage-and go straight into friendship. How could friendship be a more important bond than blood, you ask? Because blood isn't chosen...friends are. We spend insane amounts of time together. My aunts, uncles, and cousins are some of the greatest friends I have. We don't give each other phone calls every few weeks to say hello, or send Hallmark cards every passing holiday. Those things aren't necessary. We don't go long enough without seeing each other for those things to BE necessary. But only recently have I begun to realize that most families ONLY get Christmastime to connect in person. The thought of that makes me incredibly sad. To me, those families are strangers. If you only really talk to someone once or twice a year, how can you really know them? I may be wrong, but I don't know how to look at it any other way. Christmas doesn't inspire any feelings in me, other than anxiety for how I'm going to buy all of those expected gifts. I don't feel a special sense of peace, a special sense of happiness about spending that time with my family. I have a sense of peace and happiness whenever I am with them, which is quite often.

I know I talk about how much I love my family on a regular basis, but I can't say it enough. I don't get tired of it and I don't apologize for it. I am so grateful to have them, and I feel truly sorry for those families who don't have the bond that we do. More than once, friends of mine have commented on how they wish their families could be as close as my family is. For their sakes, I wish that too.

Pay It Forward

I'm very good at noticing all of the positive things in life, but I rarely acknowledge them publicly. I tend to journal/blog/complain about everything going wrong in my life, and don't speak enough of the good things that keep me sane. So, in an effort to Oprah-fy my blog, I figured I'd share some of the stuff that I am so grateful for.

1. MY SIBLINGS
They are my whole life. I love them more than anyone has ever loved their siblings. I don't have children, but I equate the love I have for them to the love a parent has for a child. The thought of losing them completely paralyzes me. They are the only 3 people on this planet who have some sort of idea about who I really am. Everyone else just gets bits and pieces. They make me whole.

2. MY FAMILY
My siblings are technically included in this category, but they deserved their own recognition because they are so special to me. The rest of my family, including my parents, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins, are the best in the world. They are not perfect. They don't have money, they aren't always the nicest, they are the first to call someone and tell them the "secret" that you just told them. But hands down, they always come through when I need something, and we stand together through the toughest of times.

3. MY FRIENDS
I don't use the term "friend" lightly. If you were once my friend, you are always my friend. Even if I hate you. I will do anything for my friends, even though I know that not all of them would do anything for me. They make me laugh, they make me cry, but they still make ME.

4. MY CAR
It may not be the nicest, but it gets me to and from the job that I need to make money to support myself. I am forever grateful for having a reliable vehicle.

5. VEGAN DIET
It changes your life. I know, because it changed mine. One of the best decisions I ever made. Even if I "fail" and slip up, I know this is a wagon that I want to always get back on.

6. EVE6
It may seem strange that I am including a band on this list, but their music is such a big part of my life. I have been to tons of shows, met them quite a few times, and they are always #1 on my ipod. I have met and become quite close to many other fans, and it doesn't cease to amaze me that our love for the same band has kept us a part of each others' lives for so long.

7. MY LAPTOP (A.K.A. LAPPY)
Yes, I named my laptop. No, I am not ashamed. Not only do I refer to him (yes, it is a male) as "Lappy," but so do my siblings and a few close friends. I bought him as a breakup present to myself in 2007 (a mani/pedi wouldn't suffice), and I have never regretted it. Every time I open Lappy up, I tell him how grateful I am that he still works so well. I've even forgiven him for not opening up my disc drive. I better move on before I sound even creepier.

8. MY BLACKBERRY
I should have just written "MY LIFE."

9. MY JOURNALS
I've always had the answer to the question "If your house was on fire, what would you grab?" My answer is always "My journals." I sincerely doubt my ability to grab and carry 20 or so journals out of my burning apartment, but I've kept one since I was 8 and would be heartbroken if even one page were to be lost.

10. MY JOB
Not only is it good that I have one in general, but the pay is great, and it's easy. I'm actually getting paid as I blog, because the boy that I take care of is sleeping. Now THAT's winning!

Of course, I'm grateful for many other things, but I figure 10 is a good starting point. ANY point is a better starting point than none!

Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Personally, I'd be thrilled if life threw a few lemons my way. Lemonade would be a lot tastier than the tap water that I've been forced to drink due to my own financial responsibility (and therefore lack of funds to buy tastier beverages). But life has not given me lemons. Instead, life has given me ample opportunity. It is not life's fault that I've made the same mistakes recklessly and repeatedly, yet it is the first thing I blame when things aren't going right. Humans tend to place blame on everything but themselves, and I am no exception. Luckily, I am able to recognize this fact (something that not all humans can do).

Back in April, I began a massive life cleanup. Or, I should say, I intended for it to be massive. In reality, it was more gradual. I'm still in the process of cleaning up the messes that I've made, and I have a feeling that it will be quite some time before I'm finished. Sometimes I relapse, but I always find a way to bounce back. Lately, I've found myself relapsing more and more often. I know the right things to do, and most of the time I do them. But sometimes I don't. And those few times where I make the wrong choices usually leave me curled up in the fetal position, trying not to sob. After I'm through feeling adequately sorry for myself, I suddenly build determination, vow never to make that mistake again, and implement a plan to stay on the right path. It definitely works! Unfortunately, it only works until I blow it, and then the cycle continues. It's always disappointing when someone else lets you down, but it goes beyond disappointment when I let myself down-I'm ashamed. I've been ashamed of my behavior for weeks now, despite my good intentions. I'm glad that I'm struggling with it-it's a good reminder of why I need to change my ways and how exactly to do it. I'm not exactly sure what my next step is. I'm just hoping that I don't fall down the stairs.

Chloroform

What is it about a song that can leave you completely incapacitated? There are happy songs, sad songs, love songs, angry songs...and each of us connect to them in different ways. The same song that makes someone think fondly about the one they love can make someone else mourn someone that they've lost. There are songs that I can't listen to for fear of a breakdown. When I'm feeling low, there are songs that I listen to on repeat for hours, unable to pull myself out of a catatonic state. Three years ago, while laying in my bed late in the afternoon, I roused from my stupor and noticed my iTunes playlist. I'd listened to Staind's "Epiphany" 78 times in a row (this was obviously during one of my "lows"). Often, I'll be driving and play a song (such as "Shake Ya Tailfeather") and it'll make me so happy that I'll have to play it over and over again. In those moments, no other song will suffice-only the song in question will resonate with me. Songs are like poems, they are interpreted differently by each person who hears them. We draw connections based on our own experiences, and no one on this earth has the exact same experiences. I love hearing other peoples' thoughts on music; sometimes it is so vastly different from the opinion I had of it. Sometimes I end up loving songs that I originally hated. Once my perspective changes, my opinions do too. Last night all I could think about was the lyrics to Cauterize songs, and today I was practically bouncing out of my seat listening to Aqua's first album. It's amazing how music can pull you from one extreme to the other. Songs are like cheap therapy. Of course, only if they weren't illegally downloaded. In that case, they're free therapy.

One Day At A Time

Addiction is powerful. It doesn't matter what one is addicted to. One of the biggest addictions that almost all humans face is the addiction to food. We all have to eat, of course. But in American society, we don't just eat-we EAT. We eat food that we know is not good for us. If it can't be bought in a drive-thru, already made in the deli section of the grocery store, or heated up in the microwave, then we aren't interested. The economy is failing, but many restaurants are showing INCREASES in revenue. So we're making less money, and spending our already sparse paychecks on Chili's Two-For-Twenty deal because hey, that's a bargain! We can't be bothered with cooking meals at home made with fresh, organic ingredients. "Too expensive" or "too time consuming," people say. Until they go for their yearly checkup and hear that they're obese. Not overweight. Not fat. Obese. For some people, even that isn't a big enough wakeup call. But for most, it's a turning point. It's when we realize that it's do or die. Literally.

I am fortunate enough to have gotten fat. Yes, I said fortunate. Gaining weight was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because it opened my eyes to a new way of living. Having spent 21 years of my life as a very thin person and then suddenly gaining a LARGE amount of weight VERY quickly (30 pounds in a month and a half!), I felt a little lost as to how to handle it. I kept putting on weight (though not at that same rate-no more drinking 3 bottles of malibu rum for me!), and then I realized that my metabolism was just not the same as it had been most of my life. In fact, I wasn't sure I had a metabolism at all anymore. It's quite possible I drank it away...Anyway, I could no longer get away with not exercising and eating whatever I wanted. After a few months, I was flipping through a magazine article and saw that Alicia Silverstone was coming out with a book called "The Kind Diet." Now, even at my heaviest weight, I was not naive or desperate enough to succumb to a fad diet. I know (and so should everyone else) that the only way to lose weight is to eat well and exercise regularly. But the title is misleading. After a little research, I found that this was not a diet plan trying to sell me supplements, equipment, or false information. So I bought it. My research proved to be correct-it was not a "diet" book-it was a lifestyle makeover. The only teeny weeny problem was that becoming a vegan meant giving up the only way of eating I had ever known-a diet with a heavy emphasis on meat and dairy.

I started reading "The Kind Diet" on a Friday in November, and by the time I had finished it by Monday I was a full blown vegetarian. I have not touched meat since then. I knew that giving up dairy wouldn't be quite as easy, so I gave myself a "quit date"-New Years Day. My first attempt at veganism lasted 2 months. I lost 19 pounds, without exercise. The only thing I was doing differently was eliminating dairy (and the meat that I'd given up months prior). I was still eating french fries, chips, and (vegan) junk food, but I was losing weight very quickly without any effort. I slipped back into my "old ways" and started eating dairy again by March, but I have never even missed meat since giving it up almost 2 years ago.

A few months ago, I realized that I was unhappy with many aspects of my life, and decided to re-evaluate the direction I was headed in. I simply couldn't ignore that the dairy in my diet was poisoning my body. I decided to re-read the books on veganism that I had accumulated over the years and remind myself of why I had adopted a cruelty-free lifestyle in the first place. I am so glad that I did. The first 3 days without dairy were difficult. I was grumpy and would have probably sold my soul for a slice of pizza, but I didn't cave. On the 4th day, I woke up without any cravings. And the next. And the next. It's day 16 now, and I've cooked pizza, ravioli, macaroni and cheese, and brownies with the kid that I babysit for and have not once felt the urge to stray. I can't say how long that will last, but I can say that I am much more committed (and much more educated) than I was during my first attempt at veganism. I now realize that if I "fall off the wagon," I can simply just get back on. It's easier that way. In just over two weeks, I've lost 8 pounds, my skin has improved, and I feel much better in general. I've taken a big step in the right direction to breaking the addiciton do dairy, and as long as I do that every day, I'll finally get rid of those toxins for good.

I know that not everyone is ready to make the change to a vegan lifestyle, but make no mistake-everyone IS capable of it. I hate hearing "oh, I could never do that." Sure you could. You just don't. I do think that it's important for all of us to know that what is going into our mouths impacts our both our precious bodies and the environment, and I think that everyone should try to implement more vegetable-centric dishes in their diets. Your booty-and your bank account-will thank you.

Kickstart

I just quit the easiest job anyone will ever have. I just drank a glass of 7up and grabbed 2 cookies out of the cabinet, strolled into the office, and read the last few tweets on my newsfeed, all while getting paid for it. I could take a nap if I wanted to (and I probably will, when I get tired enough). So why would I give up this easy $560 per month? Let's rewind.

A few weeks ago, I was browsing through kickstarter.com in order to decide which project I'd like to fund next (yes, I frequently spend my money on things like that), and I came across a title that stuck out- "I'm Miserable But Change Scares Me." It was a play by Max Cramer, who, coincidentally, is someone I graduated high school with (and yes, I donated the remainder of the money that he needed to meet his goal). I could not stop thinking about those words. I'm miserable but change scares me. It was true. I WAS miserable and change DID scare me. So I thought-what am I going to do about it? I had two choices: I could continue being miserable and afraid of change, or I could make a change and see what happened. I chose option B. The teeny, tiny problem was, I wasn't sure exactly what I should change. I've been making many small changes to my life over the last few months, but I still wasn't happy. I'd been singing "come on, get happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it pushed me to the point of tear-I WANTED to, but i couldn't figure out how! I had been toying with the idea of quitting this job for quite some time. Regardless of how easy it is, or if I get to squeeze in an hour or two of shut eye, it's still a pain in the ass to work NON STOP from Wednesday at 8:00 am to Friday at 6:00 pm. Literally, non stop. So when I moved into a cheaper apartment, I immediately wanted to figure out a way to cut back my hours. I can't change my schedule at my full time job. I don't mind working Saturdays. But those two pesky overnights are literally the bane of my existence!

Unfortunately, making the decision that I wanted to quit wasn't good enough. Change still scared me. Deciding that I wanted to quit was much easier than actually quitting. Quitting meant that I would be missing out on quite a bit of money per month. Which meant that I couldn't go out to eat whenever I wanted, or blow $100 on clothes just because I was bored. It meant that I'd have to plan my shopping trips in advance, and follow-GULP-a budget. The dreaded B word! For months, I've been walking into this office, saying "I really need to quit this job" and then...not quitting. We all crave stability, of course, but I find it especially appetizing. I didn't have much of it growing up. I was a food stamp kid for a while. So my subconscious (and my tummy) really likes when I can go out and buy myself a nice meal. My wallet (and my jeans) don't get along with my subconscious. It's been an entertaining battle, one that I convinced myself I had no control over. But I did. I do.

Today, I decided to stop being miserable just because change scares me. I decided that I would give myself until 11:00 pm (when I'm due at work) to make the final decision. Then I received an email from my boss saying that there is a mandatory training program that takes place on July 18. July 18 also happens to be the first day of my weeklong vacation from my fulltime job. My body went into defense mode. WHAT? MANDATORY TRAINING? ON MY FIRST DAY OF MY VERY FIRST VACATION EVER? Then, a little voice in my head said, "Maybe it's a sign." It felt like a lightbulb went off. Of course it was a sign. If my two week's notice was put in today, that training would fall just outside of my last required day at work. I didn't need any other opinions. My mind was made up.

And so it is done. I feel like I was a baby when I started this job. I was dating my first boyfriend, a person that I don't even know anymore. Not him, but me. It's so strange how when you come to an ending, all you can think about is the beginning. It's going to be strange for me, a person who literally works all the time because I don't know what else to do, to not have such a jam packed schedule. Sure, I'll still be working a 65 hour week, but that's peanuts compared to the 80+ hours I've been working for YEARS. And I can't be positive that this is THE change I've been looking for, either. The point is, I'm miserable, and instead of sitting around hoping that things get better, I'm going to keep making changes until I figure out which change is the right one.

Farewell- Per Tutti, Target shopping sprees, $20 lipgloss, and popcorn at the movies.
Here's to penny pinching, Expect Discounts, home cooked meals, and coupon clipping.