Crisis

I would say that I've been having a quarter life crisis, but I feel that would be dishonest.  I have no idea how long I will be on this Earth, so it very well could be a midlife crisis, or an end of life crisis.  To avoid misspeaking, I'll instead just say that I've been having a plain old regular life crisis. 

Recently, I moved in with my cousin Candace and her husband James.  I'm not sure if this change is what caused this life crisis, or if this life crisis is what caused me to move in with them, but the "why" is unimportant.  The point is, I'm in crisis, and it happened around this time.  Candace and James are both years younger than me, but years more mature than I am.  They are married, own a home, and have a baby on the way.  I, on the other hand, repel men, have lived in 13 different places throughout my life, and spent Candace's baby shower vocalizing how thankful I was for an empty uterus.  I thoroughly enjoy living with them, and I mention this because I feel that it's necessary to point out that they are in no way the cause of my unease.  On the other hand, living with people who are far more put together than you are CAN cause you to ask yourself questions like: Is that my biological clock ticking?  Should I try a dating website?  Do I need to take people's advice and tone down my outrageous personality?  Should I start looking into a 401K?  What am I DOING with my life? Fortunately, my attention span is short and I can easily distract myself from these scary questions.  Unfortunately, I get distracted from my distractions and then end up at square one again.  It's really an exhausting process.  

In my journal, I refer to the main aspects of my life that need to be worked on as "The Big Four."  They are, in no particular order-Health, Debt, Career, and Love.  Because these things take up such a large amount of my attention (though not enough apparently, considering I'm unsuccessful in each one), it's not hard to see why I would be so stressed out by them.  Unfortunately, I am not the type of person that responds to stress by setting goals and tackling the issues head on.  I'm the type of person that sets goals and then forgets what they were, then eats a cookie to make myself feel better about that.  

I had planned to figure out exactly how to tackle The Big Four during my vacation (which I am on right now), and I have made a small amount of progress.  But after giving it some serious thought, what I fear is that I will never be fully satisfied in those aspects of my life anyway.  Won't I ALWAYS need to worry about and actively work on my health?  Won't there always be a credit card to pay off?  Will any job make me truly happy?  And I could get married, pop out some kids, and end up divorced like half the country anyway.  After I sat down to revise my funeral plans this evening (yes, I've planned my own funeral.  I'm a control freak, yadda yadda yadda, it's MY DAY AND I WANT IT DONE RIGHT!), it suddenly hit me-who cares?  Who cares if it takes me forever to pay off my debt?  There's no doubt that it will, so why stress about it?  Why freak out about eating a fucking cookie or six once in a while, as long as it isn't every day?  Do I really need to rush back into school to end up as jobless and desperate as at least half of the people that I know?  And relationship wise, I'm not going to date someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend.  I often hear "I just want to see you happy!" and I'm unsure as to why some people think that happiness = boyfriend.  Happiness is not something that should depend on anyone else!  

In conclusion, after crying a few tears about my future death, I feel at peace about the path that I'm on.  I have no idea what I'm doing, but I never have and probably never will.  In any case, I can officially put the whole life crisis thing to bed, which is a good thing because this NyQuil has me tired too.  

Peace, Love, & Sleep Aids,

Cher