Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Personally, I'd be thrilled if life threw a few lemons my way. Lemonade would be a lot tastier than the tap water that I've been forced to drink due to my own financial responsibility (and therefore lack of funds to buy tastier beverages). But life has not given me lemons. Instead, life has given me ample opportunity. It is not life's fault that I've made the same mistakes recklessly and repeatedly, yet it is the first thing I blame when things aren't going right. Humans tend to place blame on everything but themselves, and I am no exception. Luckily, I am able to recognize this fact (something that not all humans can do).

Back in April, I began a massive life cleanup. Or, I should say, I intended for it to be massive. In reality, it was more gradual. I'm still in the process of cleaning up the messes that I've made, and I have a feeling that it will be quite some time before I'm finished. Sometimes I relapse, but I always find a way to bounce back. Lately, I've found myself relapsing more and more often. I know the right things to do, and most of the time I do them. But sometimes I don't. And those few times where I make the wrong choices usually leave me curled up in the fetal position, trying not to sob. After I'm through feeling adequately sorry for myself, I suddenly build determination, vow never to make that mistake again, and implement a plan to stay on the right path. It definitely works! Unfortunately, it only works until I blow it, and then the cycle continues. It's always disappointing when someone else lets you down, but it goes beyond disappointment when I let myself down-I'm ashamed. I've been ashamed of my behavior for weeks now, despite my good intentions. I'm glad that I'm struggling with it-it's a good reminder of why I need to change my ways and how exactly to do it. I'm not exactly sure what my next step is. I'm just hoping that I don't fall down the stairs.

Chloroform

What is it about a song that can leave you completely incapacitated? There are happy songs, sad songs, love songs, angry songs...and each of us connect to them in different ways. The same song that makes someone think fondly about the one they love can make someone else mourn someone that they've lost. There are songs that I can't listen to for fear of a breakdown. When I'm feeling low, there are songs that I listen to on repeat for hours, unable to pull myself out of a catatonic state. Three years ago, while laying in my bed late in the afternoon, I roused from my stupor and noticed my iTunes playlist. I'd listened to Staind's "Epiphany" 78 times in a row (this was obviously during one of my "lows"). Often, I'll be driving and play a song (such as "Shake Ya Tailfeather") and it'll make me so happy that I'll have to play it over and over again. In those moments, no other song will suffice-only the song in question will resonate with me. Songs are like poems, they are interpreted differently by each person who hears them. We draw connections based on our own experiences, and no one on this earth has the exact same experiences. I love hearing other peoples' thoughts on music; sometimes it is so vastly different from the opinion I had of it. Sometimes I end up loving songs that I originally hated. Once my perspective changes, my opinions do too. Last night all I could think about was the lyrics to Cauterize songs, and today I was practically bouncing out of my seat listening to Aqua's first album. It's amazing how music can pull you from one extreme to the other. Songs are like cheap therapy. Of course, only if they weren't illegally downloaded. In that case, they're free therapy.