Dating Profile

The worst part about going through a break up is the knowledge that one day, you'll have to take another plunge into the icy depths of the dreaded dating pool (you know, the one you thought you were finally done swimming in?).  It's perfectly fine to enjoy living the single life, of course, but let's be real-no one wants to end up alone.  If you read my last blog post, you know that I'd been struggling with the lingering effects of heartbreak.  It's been a few months now, and over the course of that time I've gotten more than a fair share of advice from friends, family, and a Pinterest link or two (or fifty).  Nothing groundbreaking, as heartbreak is something that all of us experience on some level during our tenure as humans.  Anything that can be said on the subject has already been said a trillion times.  Still, it was helpful to hear other people's tales of despair and the steps they took to overcome them.  Lean on your friends, watch lots of comedies, stay active, give it time, blah blah blah.  I didn't stumble across anything that I wasn't already doing.  As time went on, though, I started hearing a new suggestion, and a terrifying one at that.  "Maybe you should start looking for someone else."  Someone else?  After having my fragile heart completely blown to smithereens, I was expected to find someone else to give it to and hope that it wouldn't happen again?  There were six years in between my last two relationships, so it'd be okay to wait another six before I dated again, right?  That would only put me at...at...oh god. That would put me at 34 years old.  I suppose I can see where people are coming from.  

Dating sucks for anyone, but it's particularly difficult for someone who doesn't have a whole lot to offer.  Before my sweet friends get their undies in a bundle over that statement, let me explain.  I know that I'm a nice person, and I have a few good qualities.  I'm sure that dinner with me wouldn't make for a completely unbearable evening.  Imagine, though, me trying to secure a date the modern way-you know, via a dating website.  I'm not knocking the matcharmooskfish.com users out there.  I know quite a few people who have had success with those sites.  Unfortunately, I had enough trouble trying to make myself interesting in my 140 character Twitter bio.  I'm not adventurous, stable (financially, or sometimes even mentally), thin, highly educated, or well traveled.  Purely out of curiosity, I googled "online dating profile examples."  If I were to make one, it would end up looking something like this:

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Name: Cherrie. No no, really.  Not like "Cherry."  I'm not a stripper, I swear. 

Age: 28. No, that's not my biological clock you hear, it's just the timer on my Easy Bake Oven. 

Interested in: Men.  Bitches be crazy. 

Lives in: The basement of a house owned by people much younger and far more put together than I am.  Oh, you meant TOWN? Danbury. Forget that other thing.

Ethnicity: White.  Can't tell you much more, my parents don't know their own heritage. 

Body type: Depends on how much pasta I've eaten that week.  

Height: Ugh, don't worry, I won't wear heels around you.

Drinks: Socially.  Or when I'm sad.  Or when I'm happy.  

Smokes: No way! Though there's always the possibility it can happen if I'm drunk and in a social situation.  Or drunk and sad.  Or drunk and happy.  

Occupation: Childcare.  Sorry, I'll be eternally broke.  But I promise that I don't care about how much you make if you don't care about how much I don't make!

Children: Ehhhhh, it would take a miracle to get me to change my mind.  Or an accident.  

Faith: None.  Not in a god nor in humanity.

About Me:

Uh....well, let's see.  I like pizza more than I'll ever like anything or anyone.  I often wear blue lipstick and eyeliner wings so sharp they could cut a diamond.  I've re-read the entire Harry Potter series more times than I have fingers.  Moms don't usually like me, so chances are yours won't either.  My friends call me "opinionated," which is just a nice way of saying that I will defend my thoughts and ideas until I've annoyed you so much, you won't want to talk to me anymore.  I don't have a "real career," so I hope you don't mind our picket fence being painted with whatever color is in the clearance section at the local Walmart.  I'm not sure I own any piece of clothing that could be considered "conservative," so you may not want to bother introducing me to your grandparents.  My family is crazy.  Not the cute kind of crazy, the way that girls in movies describe their families before they bring a guy home to find everyone quietly bickering at the table over something that'll be resolved before the 88 minutes are up, but the kind of crazy that you see in those sad "Intervention" type shows.  I talk way too much.  I laugh so loud that my own nephew is terrified of me.  I ask a million questions during a movie, even if it's your first time seeing it too.  I don't know anything about cars, technology, or anything that has wires.  I will never care about having money.  A big house, fancy car, and designer clothes are not things I ever care to acquire.  I'd rather sleep in your t shirts instead of sexy pajamas.  I can probably outdrink you.  I will probably brag to your friends about being able to outdrink you.  I wake up about 4-5 times a night.  I snore when I'm stuffy.  I refuse to watch horror movies.  I don't know how to tie a tie.  I often twirl around and sing, despite lacking the grace and vocal range required for such a task.  I'm incapable of taking a sip of something without basically qualifying for a wet t shirt contest.  I listen to the same music that I listened to when I was a kid.  There will never be a Britney Spears album that I won't own.  I like romantic comedies and I watch Sweet Home Alabama about once a month.  I'll never order a salad.  I'm extremely stubborn.  I swear like a truck driver.  If you want to spend your life with a total weirdo, feel free to message me!

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See the problem?  Honestly, I simply trust that the Universe will point me in the direction I'm supposed to go, so I'm not in too much of a hurry to get back out there in any serious way.  I do wonder what kind of feedback I'd get if I actually created a profile using all of the above honesty, though... Perhaps an experiment for the future!  Right now, I'm content  with how my life is going.  I'm loved by a crazy family, I have at least 3 pizza places on speed dial, and I have plenty of dresses to twirl in.  There's not much more to life than that.  Those who disagree need not apply. 

peace & pizza,

C