Disease

I haven't had my heart broken in about 8 years.  Until now, obviously, or I wouldn't have opened with that sentence.  For almost a decade, I've been able to keep my tender, squishy heart frozen in contentment.  I've only had to endure two painful breakups before now, and I'm astonished at both how similar and completely different they feel.  Nausea, swollen eyes, a seemingly endless supply of warm tears, 'round the clock tightness of the chest, the constant flood of memories that must be shoved to the back of the mind AT ALL COSTS so as not to succumb to the panic that's just waiting for you to let your guard down-those things happened following each breakup that I experienced.  The difference between each is the severity of those symptoms.  I say "symptoms" because heartbreak takes a physical and mental toll on a person and can last for weeks or even MONTHS (cue fresh tears and an audible crack of my heart).  OH GOD, SOMEONE GET ME A CUPCAKE.

My first experience with heartbreak occurred at age 19, and while I'm aware that 19 is young, I don't think it's fair to insinuate that my youth meant my feelings were not valid.  We dated for almost a year and a half, he was the first person that I said the words "I love you" to, and when it ended, I was devastated.  It was my call, and the right one, but I still felt empty and broken.  A (now) funny, very dramatic quote from a journal entry at that time: "The past 3 1/2 hours have been agony.  I wonder what I did to deserve such a harsh punishment.  Yes, I feel sad, but that's not all.  I feel betrayed, angry, confused, frustrated, and alone."  That was October 17, 2005.  It was two days after the breakup, and only three weeks before I met the person who would be the next to break my heart.  Three weeks doesn't seem like a long time (mostly because it isn't), but they were, as my teenage self so poetically described, agony. 

While my first heartbreak may have only lasted for about as long as it takes to blink your eyes, my second felt like it lasted months.  Technically, that's because it did.  The initial end of the relationship was followed by many months of attempted reconciliation, which obviously made the healing process quite difficult (i.e. impossible).  It took about 8 months of that roller coaster before I swallowed the hot coals of acceptance and flung myself off the ride.  The following is NOT, I repeat NOT an excerpt from a forgotten Days Of Our Lives script or MTV reality show, but is a quote from my journal around August 2007: "The person that I love more than anything is less than 4 miles down the road, but at the same time, he's a million miles away.  How did this happen?  What about me is not worth it?"  The real question is, HOW DID I NOT GO INTO DRAMA?  What a waste of one of the few talents I seem to possess... In any case, that pain was worse than that of my first heartbreak, and it took me significantly longer to recover from.  I tried dating other guys, most casually, one seriously, but it turns out that if you aren't over someone, dating other people is a fucking drag.  The "serious relationship" that I mentioned did not end in heartbreak (for me, anyway).  I was sorry to have hurt him, but I didn't love him, so there was no pain or confusion to dwell on after it ended.  That was in 2008, and I'd spend the next 6 years not bothering with love at all.  I had "things" with a few guys, but nothing serious enough to consider calling them boyfriends.  Honestly, that suited me just fine.  I am not the type of person that cannot function alone.  I truly enjoy my own company and don't believe in the idea that you need another person to feel whole.  A person should complement you, not complete you.  I didn't meet anyone that sparked a fire in me, so I didn't feel like I was missing out. 

Cut to about a year ago: after a few months of friendship, I realized that for the first time in a long time, there WAS a fire.  The situation seemed impossible, the waters ahead rough at best.  I jumped in anyway, and wholeheartedly.  To jump in and risk pain or stay out and feel nothing?  No brainer, in my opinion.  If you have two options and one of them is love, always choose love.  No amount of heartbreak will ever keep me from making that decision.  Love is always worth the risk.  Clearly, it did not end as I'd hoped, so now that I'm in the throes of heartbreak again, I'm feeling all of the aforementioned symptoms in more severity than I have experienced thus far in life.  I think there are two reasons for that-it's the first one that I've experienced as a "real grownup" (however terrible I am at being one of those), and I had a certain vision for my future with this person.  A vision which seemed more attainable and realistic than any past future I'd imagined.  The second reason is that it's the first relationship of mine that has ended with neither party having done anything "wrong."  It's much harder to accept something terrible in your life when you don't have anything to blame it on.  The hard part now will be attempting to move on while not dwelling too much on the "what could have been"s or the "if only I had..."s.  My previous breakups left me angry, and the idea of wishing those guys well was laughable at the time (though I do now!).  This time is different, and I wouldn't dream of wishing a great person anything less than a wonderful life.  Maybe I am a decent grownup after all!

I'm no relationship expert and I'm smart enough to know that as humans, we'll never really know shit about life, but I do know that I'm incredibly lucky to have had my heart broken a few times.  I mean that, and it's because I know that love is truly the most important and greatest thing that life has to offer.  Having a broken heart just means that I've been fortunate enough to experience love, and I will never regret any decision that led me to it. 

Here's to hoping that it doesn't take another decade to find me again.

xxxC