Kickstart

I just quit the easiest job anyone will ever have. I just drank a glass of 7up and grabbed 2 cookies out of the cabinet, strolled into the office, and read the last few tweets on my newsfeed, all while getting paid for it. I could take a nap if I wanted to (and I probably will, when I get tired enough). So why would I give up this easy $560 per month? Let's rewind.

A few weeks ago, I was browsing through kickstarter.com in order to decide which project I'd like to fund next (yes, I frequently spend my money on things like that), and I came across a title that stuck out- "I'm Miserable But Change Scares Me." It was a play by Max Cramer, who, coincidentally, is someone I graduated high school with (and yes, I donated the remainder of the money that he needed to meet his goal). I could not stop thinking about those words. I'm miserable but change scares me. It was true. I WAS miserable and change DID scare me. So I thought-what am I going to do about it? I had two choices: I could continue being miserable and afraid of change, or I could make a change and see what happened. I chose option B. The teeny, tiny problem was, I wasn't sure exactly what I should change. I've been making many small changes to my life over the last few months, but I still wasn't happy. I'd been singing "come on, get happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it pushed me to the point of tear-I WANTED to, but i couldn't figure out how! I had been toying with the idea of quitting this job for quite some time. Regardless of how easy it is, or if I get to squeeze in an hour or two of shut eye, it's still a pain in the ass to work NON STOP from Wednesday at 8:00 am to Friday at 6:00 pm. Literally, non stop. So when I moved into a cheaper apartment, I immediately wanted to figure out a way to cut back my hours. I can't change my schedule at my full time job. I don't mind working Saturdays. But those two pesky overnights are literally the bane of my existence!

Unfortunately, making the decision that I wanted to quit wasn't good enough. Change still scared me. Deciding that I wanted to quit was much easier than actually quitting. Quitting meant that I would be missing out on quite a bit of money per month. Which meant that I couldn't go out to eat whenever I wanted, or blow $100 on clothes just because I was bored. It meant that I'd have to plan my shopping trips in advance, and follow-GULP-a budget. The dreaded B word! For months, I've been walking into this office, saying "I really need to quit this job" and then...not quitting. We all crave stability, of course, but I find it especially appetizing. I didn't have much of it growing up. I was a food stamp kid for a while. So my subconscious (and my tummy) really likes when I can go out and buy myself a nice meal. My wallet (and my jeans) don't get along with my subconscious. It's been an entertaining battle, one that I convinced myself I had no control over. But I did. I do.

Today, I decided to stop being miserable just because change scares me. I decided that I would give myself until 11:00 pm (when I'm due at work) to make the final decision. Then I received an email from my boss saying that there is a mandatory training program that takes place on July 18. July 18 also happens to be the first day of my weeklong vacation from my fulltime job. My body went into defense mode. WHAT? MANDATORY TRAINING? ON MY FIRST DAY OF MY VERY FIRST VACATION EVER? Then, a little voice in my head said, "Maybe it's a sign." It felt like a lightbulb went off. Of course it was a sign. If my two week's notice was put in today, that training would fall just outside of my last required day at work. I didn't need any other opinions. My mind was made up.

And so it is done. I feel like I was a baby when I started this job. I was dating my first boyfriend, a person that I don't even know anymore. Not him, but me. It's so strange how when you come to an ending, all you can think about is the beginning. It's going to be strange for me, a person who literally works all the time because I don't know what else to do, to not have such a jam packed schedule. Sure, I'll still be working a 65 hour week, but that's peanuts compared to the 80+ hours I've been working for YEARS. And I can't be positive that this is THE change I've been looking for, either. The point is, I'm miserable, and instead of sitting around hoping that things get better, I'm going to keep making changes until I figure out which change is the right one.

Farewell- Per Tutti, Target shopping sprees, $20 lipgloss, and popcorn at the movies.
Here's to penny pinching, Expect Discounts, home cooked meals, and coupon clipping.

Collections

I've often wondered if everyone suffers from addiction. Aren't we all addicted to SOMETHING? Coffee, cigarettes, candy, exercise, putting on chapstick... I may just be generalizing American culture, as I've never lived in any other culture to observe their habits, but it got me thinking about addiction in general. Can someone be addicted to addiction? I feel that way about myself sometimes. I HAVE to be obsessed with something. A movie, an actor, a designer's new line, nail polish, hair, cleaning...ANYTHING. I wonder if it's my brain's attempt at forcing out life's daily stressors and concentrating only on one thing so as to distract it from the negativity that sometimes comes with life. The problem is, sometimes people can become addicted to things that aren't so good for them. I've struggled with many issues over the course of my 24 years (as have every other human being on this Earth), but never actually dealt with any of them because my brain focused on something else for the time being. That would have been okay with me, if those sneaky little issues didn't keep fighting their way to the surface every now and then. But they do. And lately a multitude of things have reared their ugly heads in my life, and I've been in self-exile. I hope that my friends don't take it personally; I love them all so dearly. I've just been spending more time alone, which I not-so-jokingly refer to as "rehab," in an attempt to fix what I have allowed to break. It has taken me a long time to realize the importance of taking care of myself. I can no longer risk being involved in destructive behavior.

The friends you have are not necessarily people who know much about you. They may know the person that you show them, but for some people, the person you are changes depending on the person you're with. I am one of those people. Because of my brain's "focus," sometimes, I get lost in who I think I am and who I actually am. I came up with only one remedy-spend time away from others so that I cannot be influenced by them. Eventually all that will be left is me. Once I can strip away the layers of someone else that I've built over myself, I hope to emerge a person who will live a life of purpose, and not just live a life.

A Simple Kind of Life

I've been making great strides to get organized, but I have a LOT to go. I really could be doing a lot better, but I've been choosing to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Constantly beating myself up over what I'm NOT doing really brings me down and makes me feel like not doing anything at all. I'm making so many changes all at once, I'm bound to need a bit of time to adjust.

Speaking of changes, the saying "you are who your friends are" is actually true. The people you surround yourself with really effects who you are as a person. I just cannot keep negative people in my life. I understand that all humans have different personalities, but all people should have a basic level of respect and kindness for others. If you don't, I don't want you around me. I just cannot have the life drained out of me by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't want to spend time with people who feel like they are the center of the universe. If you can't see the bigger picture, then I don't want to be in yours.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (by choice!), and instead of spiraling out of control like I used to during bouts of solitude, I've been being productive. I simply do not miss going out to the bar and staying up late damaging my organs only to wake up a few hours later to either work or vomit. I'm much happier leading "a simple kind of life"-reading, cleaning, cooking, watching the TV shows of my 'youth,' and spending time with the people that I love most. Isn't that what it's REALLY all about?

Eye of the Storm

The cliche saying "it always gets worse before it gets better" holds true. My "life cleanup" isn't following the fairy tale process that I had imagined, but it is at continuing at a steady speed. Unfortunately, although the speed IS steady, it's at the pace of a snail. I know that major life changes do not come easily or quickly, and they take effort and willpower, but it's frustrating to get little to no payback proving that what I'm doing is working. Only time will tell (I'm chock full of cliches today!).

The issue that's been plaguing me is the age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I think I need to draw the line between what I want to do, and what will actually be a profitable career. I am not interested in making bucketloads of money, and I will not get a degree in something that does not interest me, but it seems fairly unrealistic to think that I will be able to support myself by writing poems and memoirs that potentially might not ever be published. I am leaning toward substance abuse counseling, mostly because I would love to help people fight their inner demons and discover a light in all the dark. Also, a career in that field would make for interesting stories to write, therefore bridging the gap between both job and passion. I have a lot of money to make and a lot of money to save before that can happen, but the point is, it CAN happen. I'll just have to pry open that can of elbow grease.

Back Here, Baby

The decision that my fate rested in has finally been made-it's back to LBT for me. I'm beyond excited to be moving back to the first apartment I ever rented. So much of my life happened in the year and a half that Sam and I lived there...I dated a guy I didn't love in an attempt to get over one that I did, I got a job that taught me more about life and myself in six months than I'd learned in 20 years, I had a traumatic experience with someone that I thought meant something in my life, I got fired, and then everything crashed and burned. It was a strange time, January 2008-June 2009. And although I haven no interest in crazy partying anymore, it definitely was the foundation to quasi-alcoholism: a good portion of that time period was spent in a drunken coma (or in the inescapable hangover that followed)....a fair number of parties were hosted, and I'm sure that there were plenty of brown patches on the grass around the porch (stomach acid does that, I hear). But there was something "homey" about the place, and even though it never felt like "home" per se, it was pretty damn close. It's going to be strange to be living there without my sister, because I feel like that place is representative of both her and I together, not separate. I was never used to being alone until this past year at Grassy Plain, and it's a strange feeling to come home and not expect anyone else to be there. But this is going to be different-I'm no longer going to feel like I'm living in a hotel, in a place where I don't belong. I'm finally going to feel like I can be at peace. And peace, apparently, only costs $400-per-month.

Overnight Celebrity

In a culture that is obsessed with celebrities, it's not hard to see why the pursuit of physical perfection is so prevelant (how's that for alliteration!). All cultures have standards of beauty, and none of them exactly mirror another, but America's standards are chock-full of contradiction. Big breasted hourglass figures are supposedly the most sought after, but the vast majority of models are pin thin with chests that rival that of a 6th grade boy. And there is nothing wrong with that (as long as this body type is natural and not the effect of starvation or disordered eating), but it does send mixed signals to the impressionable females of the younger generation. Not enough is being done to promote healthy body image. Instead, we're all trying to look like famous people-an elite group that is fortunate enough to be able to afford weekly facials, massages, waxes, dyejobs, boobjobs, manicures, pedicures, botox, bleachings, and other enhancing procedures. Celebrities make their money based on their appearance, and they understandably want to stall the aging process in order to continue to be relevant in an industry where youth is everything. But those of us whose incomes do not depend on our lack of wrinkles don't have to subject ourselves to such procedures, we do it as a result of sheer vanity. The amusing (or not so amusing, depending on how you interpret it) thing is, the vast majority of our country is overweight. Meaning, we're a country of fat people who covet the looks of slim people who can afford to keep up their youthful appearances. We're obsessed with this idea of perfection, but not interested in putting in the work to attain it. We want to join prestigious gyms, but not actually go to them. We want to eat a supersize BigMac meal a few times a week, but are baffled by the fact that we aren't getting any thinner. We spent millions of dollars a year on diet pills that we should KNOW do not work, because if they did, no one would be fat. Women spend thousands of dollars a year to change their hair color, buy makeup to cover their skin, enhance their eyes, contour their cheeks, plump their lips. But going too far has disasterous results. We've all seen the 40-something woman walking through the mall wearing what seems like her teenage daughter's skinny jeans and Ugg boots, while carrying a Mochaccino and texting on her iPhone. And what do we do when we see this? Fall over each other to admire her beauty? No. Usually, we snigger as she walks by, because in her attempt to turn back the clock, she has actually made herself stand out as someone who is, well, attempting to turn back the clock. There's a fine line between looking youthful and vital and trying too hard. Perhaps it's time to start teaching the youth that exercise and eating right should be the foundation for a healthy and beautiful body, and that it isn't always necessary to smother ourselves with products that drastically alter our appearance. We don't all need to look famous. We need to look like ourselves. We just need to be willing to put in the work to make it the best version of ourselves we can be-without the nips and tucks.

Rest Assured

You know the feeling when everything boils down to one person's decision, and you have no control over it? It's like being stuck on the edge of a cliff, waiting to see if the wind is going to push you over or pull you to safety. Right now, I've been presented with two opportunities, and one of them is much less appealing than the other. Obviously, I'd like to walk away with the more desirable of the two, but it all hangs in the balance of someone else's decision. I desperately need to save money, and I can do with both options, but I'd also love to keep my privacy and sanity. Waiting around for an answer is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. I don't know how to go about planning for something if I'm not sure what that something is yet. Either way, I need to ditch my old attitude and assume a new one...hopefully I find out what that is soon enough...