Anna

Her pale, flaking skin is tightly stretched
across her protruding cheekbones,
looking almost as if it would rip if she smiled.
But she won't.

I put my hand on hers,
more to comfort myself than to console her.
Her hand is dry, rough, cold.
Not even the warmth of my skin
could defrost her bony fingers.
She puts her head on my shoulder,
and I can feel her tears falling
onto my chest.

We sit in silence.
No words would ease her pain anyway.
But I burned to ask her why.
Why?
She was once so beautiful, so vibrant, so
full of life. All that is gone now,
flushed away along with today's vomit.

She smells like it now.
A putrid, overwhelming stench.
Her teeth were yellowing,
and her tongue, although a whitish pink,
sometimes revealed speckles of red from when
the blood from her eroding esophagus finally
made its way up to her mouth.

She sobs, and I pull her closer,
her sharp shoulder bone piercing even deeper
into me.
"Tomorrow will be better," I saw, and she nods-
even though we both know it isn't true.

And So It Begins

Tomorrow begins my 66 day challenge. While the goals are unnecessary to share with anyone, the point is clear-it takes 66 days to make a change become a habit. I have plenty of changes that need to be made (who doesn't?), but I'm starting with just a few to test my willpower. I suppose a test of willpower isn't necessary, because if I had any, I wouldn't need to do a 66 day challenge, but I digress. So far in life, I've always lived for the present. I ignore the past, because it hurts, and I don't count on the future, because it's not guaranteed. This way of living is idealistic and simply doesn't work. All 3 must be combined in order to form a well rounded view on life. I'm constantly stressing out about things that would be unnecessary to worry about if I hadn't messed them up in the first place. I also realize that much of the negative energy in my life can be attributed to my attempts to clean up messes that aren't mine. I'm always on the fence about that. Isn't it better to help others before yourself? Isn't putting yourself first selfish? Obviously yes, based on definition, but we're constantly being told "you can't help others until you help yourself." My entire life proves how false that cliché is.

Essentially...

There are 7 people essential to my survival. That might sound dramatic, but it is 100% true. I was always non-religious (so much so that I'd make my aunt cry and beg jesus to save my soul everytime she saw me) until 2004. I haven't ever told anyone what changed me so drastically, because it would mean giving up two secrets I've kept from every other human being. They might be the only 2 secrets about myself I've ever actually kept. Either way, it changed me. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but it gave me something I'd never bothered with before-hope. Jayden set everything into motion, and the arrivals of Audrey, Kaleb, and Cami expanded my heart so much I'm not sure how it even fits in my chest. Them, and my siblings, are my entire life. Sometimes they're the only thing that gets me through the day. The babies can't possibly know how much they mean to me, and I think my
siblings underestimate their worth. But I simply would not be able to function without them.

It's funny how some people don't realize the effect they have on you, while others overestimate their importance in your life....

Fw: No Time But The Present

While going through old blog entries last night, I found that both everything and nothing have changed. I suppose that when any person reflects, they feel the same way.

I've been going about things in such a lackadaisical way, so in an effort to fix that, I hired a personal assistant. Which is just a fancy sounding term for someone I pay to do me favors and remind me of things I'd otherwise forget about. He holds me accountable for things that I have promised to do (yet wouldn't do if someone wasn't making sure they were done). Some might say it's pure laziness on my part, and they could be right, but I simply cannot do everything that I need to do if I'm not held accountable for it somehow. Yeah. That does sound pathetic...

I'm hoping that I can get it together ASAP..

"Fancy Shirt"

i wrote this 3 years ago, but it is so fucking relevant...

I frequently get asked the "what do you want to be" question, and every time I always find it as amusing. What do you mean, what am I going to be? That question indicates that someday, I'll be something, but right now I'm not. I am not going to college to "become" something. I'm going to college to learn about things that I'm interested in. My goal is not to come out of college with a degree and "start my life." My life began 21 years ago. There have been many twists and turns, but there is only one beginning. It's also interesting to see people's faces when they hear I'm studying Anthropology and Sociology. "What can you do with that?" Well, I'll have a decent amount of knowledge about human beings and culture. My goal in life is simple-I want to live a great one. I don't care about money, presents, big houses, fancy cars, etc etc. I just want to have a good time. Why be miserable? In Communications today, our teacher had us go around and say what we were majoring. Then she asked us to say what our dream job would be. 80% of people's answers didn't match up. Why study something if your dream is to do something else? I don't know. It's either too complicated or too simple, but either way I'm done with worrying about things. Life is such a fragile state. I want to do cool shit, meet cool people, hear good music, see good movies, eat good food, and have good conversations. I want to be around people that I love and people that are awesome, regardless what other people think about them. I want to do whatever comes to my mind. Perhaps I have no money, but honestly, what the fuck does some green piece of paper mean when you're breathing your last breath? That you're hooked up to a fancier life support machine? It's senseless to care about bullshit like that. I just want to find a reason to smile and laugh every day, and so far I've been successful. I hope that I always am.

FINALLY

setting this up so i could post from my phone was harder than my junior year algebra 2 class.

50 things you probably don't care to know about me

1. if i'm not wearing dark nail polish, i don't feel like myself.

2. i hate writing in blue ink.

3. i can sometimes come off as a know-it-all. but that might be because i know it all.

4. i give the world's best advice. i just don't take any of it.

5. i'm extremely patient, almost to a fault. on the inside, i'm seething, but you'd never know it.

6. my most prized possessions are my journals. my life has been chronicled since i was 8 years old. i'd write a memoir if any of it was remotely interesting.

7. i'm an excellent judge of character. i know within seconds if i'll like someone or not. but i always give people the chance to prove me wrong. it's rare that they do.

8. i appreciate someone that can keep me on my toes. it's not easy to do that.

9. i will drop whatever i'm doing for sam, laura, or robert. i do not exist without them. if they called me at 3:00 am in need of a sponge, it would be there by 3:15.

10. if you are someone that i ever called a friend, even if we are bitter enemies now, you can guarantee that i'd do what i can to help you out anyway.

11. no matter how many pairs of socks or hair ties i buy, i'm constantly in need of more.

12. i am the most organized person in the world...on paper. in reality, not so much.

13. i'm obsessed with tea. no sugar, no cream, no honey. just plain.

14. i'm always curious to know why people choose to be my friend.

15. you know i'm intoxicated if i tell you how straight of a line i can walk.

16. my favorite color, song, and movie change so often that it's impossible to keep track.

17. my favorite flower is a lilac. it was my grandmother's too.

18. i don't like when people give me presents. i know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but i mean it. i like to buy things for myself when i want them.

19. i don't like reality TV, at all. except for 'keeping up with kardashians,' i was sucked into that recently and i wish i could stop watching, but i can't!

20. i've seen eve6 live 8 times. they've never disappointed me with a show.

21. the most listened to song on my itunes is incubus "wish you were here," although i rarely am thinking about anyone in particular when i listen to it.

22. i don't care about sports. i'll watch them if i'm with other people who are watching it, but i don't care to pay attention. i'm not the type of girl to pretend to be interested just so the guys think she's cool. i just don't care. but i won't fuss either.

23. it would be impossible to date me if you don't like my family. it's almost impossible to date me in the first place, but if you can't hang out with them then there's just no way. i'm with them too often.

24. i get very annoyed if someone doesn't respond to a text or a message.

25. samoas are my favorite girl scout cookie. i don't understand people who like thin mints.

26. i pee more than a normal person should. if i pee less than 15 times a day, i'm worried.

27. i have to q-tip my ears immediately after a shower or i start panicking.

28. my totally unrealistic dream car is a lamborghini murcielago. i'm also dying for a toyota rav4. makes sense to me.

29. i don't particularly love or hate any season. i'm grateful for every day that i'm alive, regardless of temperature.

30. i am incapable of being mean. even if i don't like you, you won't know it. it's not me being fake, either. it's called being nice. being fake is pretending i'm your best friend when i secretly have a voodoo doll of you in my closet. being nice is tolerating your existence.

31. i know a fair amount about fashion and designers, although you'd never know it from the way i dress.

32. i am unnaturally excited by office supplies. i feel physical relief when i walk into staples or office max.

33. it is impossible for me to go into target or wal*mart without spending $50 or more, even if i only went in for a pack of gum.

34. i can bake AND cook, not just one or the other.

35. i'm always happy when different groups of my friends like each other, because since i never have time to see anyone, it's awfully convenient to have them all in the same place.

36. my favorite numbers are 4 and 6. shouldn't take a genius to figure out why.

37. before i became a vegetarian, the people at charley's subs in the mall would have my order on the grill before i even walked over to the counter. i never knew whether to be pleased or embarrassed about that.

38. i don't dream of getting married or having kids, but i'm not opposed to the idea either.

39. if i ever get engaged, i hope it's cute like in 'the count of monte cristo,' where he ties a string around his ring finger and one around hers, until he can afford a nice ring. except i'm not a fan of diamonds. i'd rather keep the string.

40. i will repeatedly fail at something before i ask for help. i'm exceedingly proud.

41. if i had one superpower, it'd be the power to heal.

42. a part of me died inside when they closed funstation. now it's hard to find an excuse to go rollerblading.

43. no place i've ever lived has felt like "home" to me. wherever sam, laura, and robert are is my home.

44. jayden, audrey, kaleb, and cami are the cutest kids on this planet. there is no arguing that point with me. i cannot even begin to describe how many times their smiles have saved me.

45. even though my family and friends have more drama than a tabloid magazine, it's comforting to know that they always have my back. even if they talk about me behind it afterwards :) (i type that with a smile!)

46. some people say that i'm very intimidating at first. this is probably true. but if you know me, you know i'm a big puddle of mush on the inside.

47. i hate it if i'm awake and other people are sleeping. i used to give my mom dirty looks when she took naps.

48. there is no one on this planet more infuriating than my father. there is also no one on the planet who's approval i seek more.

49. i've always wanted to visit rome (i took latin for 7 years!) but i'm too terrified to fly. the last time i flew will be the last time!

50. i have one goal in life-to live it happily. i don't care about money, success, prestige, any of that. i don't care if i get a fancy box to lay in. all i care about are the people who will be around it.