Smiles and Tribulations

This Is Oprah's Idea

2012-01-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

I have never watched Oprah a day in my life (though not the same thing can be said for my father, who I have caught on numerous occasions indulging in the late afternoon talk show), but I think it's safe to assume that she's a fairly wise woman. You can't possibly get that rich by being an idiot (unless your last name is Hilton or you make a sex tape and then pitch a reality show-hmm, I suppose the former can also be grouped with the latter). So when my darling friend Sara suggested that I take Oprah's advice and create a list of things I require from a significant other, I obliged. Here is my list:

*Must love the movie "Clerks 2."
I don't care how you feel about "Clerks" (though if you don't like the original at all, I can't imagine you liking the sequel), but you must love "Clerks 2." Not like it, but love it. And you must not be opposed to watching it on a fairly regular basis.

*Must be willing to try my culinary creations.
I eat a vegan diet. I don't care if you eat meat or not, and I won't try to convert you, but if you aren't at least willing to try my concoctions, then CHECK PLEASE.

*Must be immature.
Most women are looking for grown up men who can take care of them. I am not one of them. If you can't turn almost anything into a sexual joke (or at least give me props when I beat you to the punch), then it won't work out.

*Must speak.
That sounds like a ridiculous requirement, but when you've dated someone who was not, shall we say, vocal, then you know how annoying it is to pick up both sides of a conversation. And trust me, I like to hear my own voice. But if you think I'm going to carve time out of my schedule to watch TV in silence with you, you're crazy. I could do that at my own house, without wasting the quarter tank in gas it takes to get to your house.

*Must be okay with me being a drunken mess.
If you know me, that's self explanitory. If you don't, then I'm sorry. Because I'm awesome. Now, I'm not someone who drinks every other day (anymore), but every once in while, I tend to forget that my liver doesn't need a whole bottle of vodka. On those days, I expect you to either LET me sleep in the woods if I insist, or at least laugh when I'm yelling at you for waking me up. Also, remind me to make sure BOTH shoes are on my feet on the way out of the bar.

*Must be flexible.
Not in the bedroom (well...). I'm talking about with life in general. If something unexpected happens, you've got to be able to handle it. You've got to adapt to life, it doesn't adapt to you.

*Must be tall.
Okay, that one isn't really a requirement. Being okay with letting me wear my 6 inch heels even if they make you look 6 inches shorter than me IS a requirement. This is also related to my "drunken mess" requirement, because if I AM wearing 6 inch heels and I'm drinking, take either the heels or the drink away from me.

*Must not be annoying.
I'll admit to suffering from minor bouts of annoying girlfriend syndrome in the past, but at this point in my life, I just don't care. I will not text you to say good morning (and I expect the same decency), I don't care if you go out with your friends (and I expect the same decency), and I won't make you buy me dinner/movie tickets/anything (and I expect the same decency). I don't want you to always be touching me, I'm fairly certain I can stand up straight without support (unless, of course, we're again in that 'drunken mess' situation). I don't need to know what you're doing every second of the day (nor do I care). Don't complain about my guy friends (I had them before I even knew you, and if I haven't had sex with them yet, there's a reason for it).

*Must love my family.
I am very close to all of my family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. You can find me and my uncle at opposite ends of the beer pong table in my cousin's garage, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you don't want to come to family parties and make these people some of your favorite in the world, then don't bother. We'll finish the keg without you.

*Must not be an addict.
I just can't be involved with any sort of 12 step program.

*Must love kids.
I didn't say want them, I said love them. There are a lot of kids in my life, and if you can't grab a nerf gun or a tiara and make them laugh, then you are probably not human and I'm not into inter-species erotica, despite my love for "Clerks 2."

*Must be funny.
For a world that is filled with people that always say a sense of humor is important, there sure are a lot of frowns out there. Be the kind of person that can turn them upside down.

If you meet these requirements, call me (but not TOO often).

Happy Holidays

2011-11-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

I have always been baffled by people who tell me that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I'm a Halloween gal myself-there's no other day in the year where running around with a fake blood-covered weapon is socially acceptable. Still, 9 times out of 10, people answer that their favorite holiday is Christmas. I used to be unconvinced by their insistence that the holiday was so important because of the time they could spend with their family-I thought it was a thinly veiled attempt to pretend that it wasn't all about the gifts. Only recently did I consider that I have been too quick to judge.

I have an extremely close family. When I say my family is "close," I don't simply mean that we like each other and get along well at family gatherings. I mean that we go beyond the definition of family-people tied together by blood and/or marriage-and go straight into friendship. How could friendship be a more important bond than blood, you ask? Because blood isn't chosen...friends are. We spend insane amounts of time together. My aunts, uncles, and cousins are some of the greatest friends I have. We don't give each other phone calls every few weeks to say hello, or send Hallmark cards every passing holiday. Those things aren't necessary. We don't go long enough without seeing each other for those things to BE necessary. But only recently have I begun to realize that most families ONLY get Christmastime to connect in person. The thought of that makes me incredibly sad. To me, those families are strangers. If you only really talk to someone once or twice a year, how can you really know them? I may be wrong, but I don't know how to look at it any other way. Christmas doesn't inspire any feelings in me, other than anxiety for how I'm going to buy all of those expected gifts. I don't feel a special sense of peace, a special sense of happiness about spending that time with my family. I have a sense of peace and happiness whenever I am with them, which is quite often.

I know I talk about how much I love my family on a regular basis, but I can't say it enough. I don't get tired of it and I don't apologize for it. I am so grateful to have them, and I feel truly sorry for those families who don't have the bond that we do. More than once, friends of mine have commented on how they wish their families could be as close as my family is. For their sakes, I wish that too.

Pay It Forward

2011-10-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

I'm very good at noticing all of the positive things in life, but I rarely acknowledge them publicly. I tend to journal/blog/complain about everything going wrong in my life, and don't speak enough of the good things that keep me sane. So, in an effort to Oprah-fy my blog, I figured I'd share some of the stuff that I am so grateful for.

1. MY SIBLINGS
They are my whole life. I love them more than anyone has ever loved their siblings. I don't have children, but I equate the love I have for them to the love a parent has for a child. The thought of losing them completely paralyzes me. They are the only 3 people on this planet who have some sort of idea about who I really am. Everyone else just gets bits and pieces. They make me whole.

2. MY FAMILY
My siblings are technically included in this category, but they deserved their own recognition because they are so special to me. The rest of my family, including my parents, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins, are the best in the world. They are not perfect. They don't have money, they aren't always the nicest, they are the first to call someone and tell them the "secret" that you just told them. But hands down, they always come through when I need something, and we stand together through the toughest of times.

3. MY FRIENDS
I don't use the term "friend" lightly. If you were once my friend, you are always my friend. Even if I hate you. I will do anything for my friends, even though I know that not all of them would do anything for me. They make me laugh, they make me cry, but they still make ME.

4. MY CAR
It may not be the nicest, but it gets me to and from the job that I need to make money to support myself. I am forever grateful for having a reliable vehicle.

5. VEGAN DIET
It changes your life. I know, because it changed mine. One of the best decisions I ever made. Even if I "fail" and slip up, I know this is a wagon that I want to always get back on.

6. EVE6
It may seem strange that I am including a band on this list, but their music is such a big part of my life. I have been to tons of shows, met them quite a few times, and they are always #1 on my ipod. I have met and become quite close to many other fans, and it doesn't cease to amaze me that our love for the same band has kept us a part of each others' lives for so long.

7. MY LAPTOP (A.K.A. LAPPY)
Yes, I named my laptop. No, I am not ashamed. Not only do I refer to him (yes, it is a male) as "Lappy," but so do my siblings and a few close friends. I bought him as a breakup present to myself in 2007 (a mani/pedi wouldn't suffice), and I have never regretted it. Every time I open Lappy up, I tell him how grateful I am that he still works so well. I've even forgiven him for not opening up my disc drive. I better move on before I sound even creepier.

8. MY BLACKBERRY
I should have just written "MY LIFE."

9. MY JOURNALS
I've always had the answer to the question "If your house was on fire, what would you grab?" My answer is always "My journals." I sincerely doubt my ability to grab and carry 20 or so journals out of my burning apartment, but I've kept one since I was 8 and would be heartbroken if even one page were to be lost.

10. MY JOB
Not only is it good that I have one in general, but the pay is great, and it's easy. I'm actually getting paid as I blog, because the boy that I take care of is sleeping. Now THAT's winning!

Of course, I'm grateful for many other things, but I figure 10 is a good starting point. ANY point is a better starting point than none!

Lemons

2011-09-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Personally, I'd be thrilled if life threw a few lemons my way. Lemonade would be a lot tastier than the tap water that I've been forced to drink due to my own financial responsibility (and therefore lack of funds to buy tastier beverages). But life has not given me lemons. Instead, life has given me ample opportunity. It is not life's fault that I've made the same mistakes recklessly and repeatedly, yet it is the first thing I blame when things aren't going right. Humans tend to place blame on everything but themselves, and I am no exception. Luckily, I am able to recognize this fact (something that not all humans can do).

Back in April, I began a massive life cleanup. Or, I should say, I intended for it to be massive. In reality, it was more gradual. I'm still in the process of cleaning up the messes that I've made, and I have a feeling that it will be quite some time before I'm finished. Sometimes I relapse, but I always find a way to bounce back. Lately, I've found myself relapsing more and more often. I know the right things to do, and most of the time I do them. But sometimes I don't. And those few times where I make the wrong choices usually leave me curled up in the fetal position, trying not to sob. After I'm through feeling adequately sorry for myself, I suddenly build determination, vow never to make that mistake again, and implement a plan to stay on the right path. It definitely works! Unfortunately, it only works until I blow it, and then the cycle continues. It's always disappointing when someone else lets you down, but it goes beyond disappointment when I let myself down-I'm ashamed. I've been ashamed of my behavior for weeks now, despite my good intentions. I'm glad that I'm struggling with it-it's a good reminder of why I need to change my ways and how exactly to do it. I'm not exactly sure what my next step is. I'm just hoping that I don't fall down the stairs.

Chloroform

2011-09-16T09:59:00.000-07:00

What is it about a song that can leave you completely incapacitated? There are happy songs, sad songs, love songs, angry songs...and each of us connect to them in different ways. The same song that makes someone think fondly about the one they love can make someone else mourn someone that they've lost. There are songs that I can't listen to for fear of a breakdown. When I'm feeling low, there are songs that I listen to on repeat for hours, unable to pull myself out of a catatonic state. Three years ago, while laying in my bed late in the afternoon, I roused from my stupor and noticed my iTunes playlist. I'd listened to Staind's "Epiphany" 78 times in a row (this was obviously during one of my "lows"). Often, I'll be driving and play a song (such as "Shake Ya Tailfeather") and it'll make me so happy that I'll have to play it over and over again. In those moments, no other song will suffice-only the song in question will resonate with me. Songs are like poems, they are interpreted differently by each person who hears them. We draw connections based on our own experiences, and no one on this earth has the exact same experiences. I love hearing other peoples' thoughts on music; sometimes it is so vastly different from the opinion I had of it. Sometimes I end up loving songs that I originally hated. Once my perspective changes, my opinions do too. Last night all I could think about was the lyrics to Cauterize songs, and today I was practically bouncing out of my seat listening to Aqua's first album. It's amazing how music can pull you from one extreme to the other. Songs are like cheap therapy. Of course, only if they weren't illegally downloaded. In that case, they're free therapy.

One Day At A Time

2011-08-16T10:48:00.000-07:00

Addiction is powerful. It doesn't matter what one is addicted to. One of the biggest addictions that almost all humans face is the addiction to food. We all have to eat, of course. But in American society, we don't just eat-we EAT. We eat food that we know is not good for us. If it can't be bought in a drive-thru, already made in the deli section of the grocery store, or heated up in the microwave, then we aren't interested. The economy is failing, but many restaurants are showing INCREASES in revenue. So we're making less money, and spending our already sparse paychecks on Chili's Two-For-Twenty deal because hey, that's a bargain! We can't be bothered with cooking meals at home made with fresh, organic ingredients. "Too expensive" or "too time consuming," people say. Until they go for their yearly checkup and hear that they're obese. Not overweight. Not fat. Obese. For some people, even that isn't a big enough wakeup call. But for most, it's a turning point. It's when we realize that it's do or die. Literally.

I am fortunate enough to have gotten fat. Yes, I said fortunate. Gaining weight was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because it opened my eyes to a new way of living. Having spent 21 years of my life as a very thin person and then suddenly gaining a LARGE amount of weight VERY quickly (30 pounds in a month and a half!), I felt a little lost as to how to handle it. I kept putting on weight (though not at that same rate-no more drinking 3 bottles of malibu rum for me!), and then I realized that my metabolism was just not the same as it had been most of my life. In fact, I wasn't sure I had a metabolism at all anymore. It's quite possible I drank it away...Anyway, I could no longer get away with not exercising and eating whatever I wanted. After a few months, I was flipping through a magazine article and saw that Alicia Silverstone was coming out with a book called "The Kind Diet." Now, even at my heaviest weight, I was not naive or desperate enough to succumb to a fad diet. I know (and so should everyone else) that the only way to lose weight is to eat well and exercise regularly. But the title is misleading. After a little research, I found that this was not a diet plan trying to sell me supplements, equipment, or false information. So I bought it. My research proved to be correct-it was not a "diet" book-it was a lifestyle makeover. The only teeny weeny problem was that becoming a vegan meant giving up the only way of eating I had ever known-a diet with a heavy emphasis on meat and dairy.

I started reading "The Kind Diet" on a Friday in November, and by the time I had finished it by Monday I was a full blown vegetarian. I have not touched meat since then. I knew that giving up dairy wouldn't be quite as easy, so I gave myself a "quit date"-New Years Day. My first attempt at veganism lasted 2 months. I lost 19 pounds, without exercise. The only thing I was doing differently was eliminating dairy (and the meat that I'd given up months prior). I was still eating french fries, chips, and (vegan) junk food, but I was losing weight very quickly without any effort. I slipped back into my "old ways" and started eating dairy again by March, but I have never even missed meat since giving it up almost 2 years ago.

A few months ago, I realized that I was unhappy with many aspects of my life, and decided to re-evaluate the direction I was headed in. I simply couldn't ignore that the dairy in my diet was poisoning my body. I decided to re-read the books on veganism that I had accumulated over the years and remind myself of why I had adopted a cruelty-free lifestyle in the first place. I am so glad that I did. The first 3 days without dairy were difficult. I was grumpy and would have probably sold my soul for a slice of pizza, but I didn't cave. On the 4th day, I woke up without any cravings. And the next. And the next. It's day 16 now, and I've cooked pizza, ravioli, macaroni and cheese, and brownies with the kid that I babysit for and have not once felt the urge to stray. I can't say how long that will last, but I can say that I am much more committed (and much more educated) than I was during my first attempt at veganism. I now realize that if I "fall off the wagon," I can simply just get back on. It's easier that way. In just over two weeks, I've lost 8 pounds, my skin has improved, and I feel much better in general. I've taken a big step in the right direction to breaking the addiciton do dairy, and as long as I do that every day, I'll finally get rid of those toxins for good.

I know that not everyone is ready to make the change to a vegan lifestyle, but make no mistake-everyone IS capable of it. I hate hearing "oh, I could never do that." Sure you could. You just don't. I do think that it's important for all of us to know that what is going into our mouths impacts our both our precious bodies and the environment, and I think that everyone should try to implement more vegetable-centric dishes in their diets. Your booty-and your bank account-will thank you.

Kickstart

2011-07-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

I just quit the easiest job anyone will ever have. I just drank a glass of 7up and grabbed 2 cookies out of the cabinet, strolled into the office, and read the last few tweets on my newsfeed, all while getting paid for it. I could take a nap if I wanted to (and I probably will, when I get tired enough). So why would I give up this easy $560 per month? Let's rewind.

A few weeks ago, I was browsing through kickstarter.com in order to decide which project I'd like to fund next (yes, I frequently spend my money on things like that), and I came across a title that stuck out- "I'm Miserable But Change Scares Me." It was a play by Max Cramer, who, coincidentally, is someone I graduated high school with (and yes, I donated the remainder of the money that he needed to meet his goal). I could not stop thinking about those words. I'm miserable but change scares me. It was true. I WAS miserable and change DID scare me. So I thought-what am I going to do about it? I had two choices: I could continue being miserable and afraid of change, or I could make a change and see what happened. I chose option B. The teeny, tiny problem was, I wasn't sure exactly what I should change. I've been making many small changes to my life over the last few months, but I still wasn't happy. I'd been singing "come on, get happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it pushed me to the point of tear-I WANTED to, but i couldn't figure out how! I had been toying with the idea of quitting this job for quite some time. Regardless of how easy it is, or if I get to squeeze in an hour or two of shut eye, it's still a pain in the ass to work NON STOP from Wednesday at 8:00 am to Friday at 6:00 pm. Literally, non stop. So when I moved into a cheaper apartment, I immediately wanted to figure out a way to cut back my hours. I can't change my schedule at my full time job. I don't mind working Saturdays. But those two pesky overnights are literally the bane of my existence!

Unfortunately, making the decision that I wanted to quit wasn't good enough. Change still scared me. Deciding that I wanted to quit was much easier than actually quitting. Quitting meant that I would be missing out on quite a bit of money per month. Which meant that I couldn't go out to eat whenever I wanted, or blow $100 on clothes just because I was bored. It meant that I'd have to plan my shopping trips in advance, and follow-GULP-a budget. The dreaded B word! For months, I've been walking into this office, saying "I really need to quit this job" and then...not quitting. We all crave stability, of course, but I find it especially appetizing. I didn't have much of it growing up. I was a food stamp kid for a while. So my subconscious (and my tummy) really likes when I can go out and buy myself a nice meal. My wallet (and my jeans) don't get along with my subconscious. It's been an entertaining battle, one that I convinced myself I had no control over. But I did. I do.

Today, I decided to stop being miserable just because change scares me. I decided that I would give myself until 11:00 pm (when I'm due at work) to make the final decision. Then I received an email from my boss saying that there is a mandatory training program that takes place on July 18. July 18 also happens to be the first day of my weeklong vacation from my fulltime job. My body went into defense mode. WHAT? MANDATORY TRAINING? ON MY FIRST DAY OF MY VERY FIRST VACATION EVER? Then, a little voice in my head said, "Maybe it's a sign." It felt like a lightbulb went off. Of course it was a sign. If my two week's notice was put in today, that training would fall just outside of my last required day at work. I didn't need any other opinions. My mind was made up.

And so it is done. I feel like I was a baby when I started this job. I was dating my first boyfriend, a person that I don't even know anymore. Not him, but me. It's so strange how when you come to an ending, all you can think about is the beginning. It's going to be strange for me, a person who literally works all the time because I don't know what else to do, to not have such a jam packed schedule. Sure, I'll still be working a 65 hour week, but that's peanuts compared to the 80+ hours I've been working for YEARS. And I can't be positive that this is THE change I've been looking for, either. The point is, I'm miserable, and instead of sitting around hoping that things get better, I'm going to keep making changes until I figure out which change is the right one.

Farewell- Per Tutti, Target shopping sprees, $20 lipgloss, and popcorn at the movies.
Here's to penny pinching, Expect Discounts, home cooked meals, and coupon clipping.

Collections

2011-04-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered if everyone suffers from addiction. Aren't we all addicted to SOMETHING? Coffee, cigarettes, candy, exercise, putting on chapstick... I may just be generalizing American culture, as I've never lived in any other culture to observe their habits, but it got me thinking about addiction in general. Can someone be addicted to addiction? I feel that way about myself sometimes. I HAVE to be obsessed with something. A movie, an actor, a designer's new line, nail polish, hair, cleaning...ANYTHING. I wonder if it's my brain's attempt at forcing out life's daily stressors and concentrating only on one thing so as to distract it from the negativity that sometimes comes with life. The problem is, sometimes people can become addicted to things that aren't so good for them. I've struggled with many issues over the course of my 24 years (as have every other human being on this Earth), but never actually dealt with any of them because my brain focused on something else for the time being. That would have been okay with me, if those sneaky little issues didn't keep fighting their way to the surface every now and then. But they do. And lately a multitude of things have reared their ugly heads in my life, and I've been in self-exile. I hope that my friends don't take it personally; I love them all so dearly. I've just been spending more time alone, which I not-so-jokingly refer to as "rehab," in an attempt to fix what I have allowed to break. It has taken me a long time to realize the importance of taking care of myself. I can no longer risk being involved in destructive behavior.

The friends you have are not necessarily people who know much about you. They may know the person that you show them, but for some people, the person you are changes depending on the person you're with. I am one of those people. Because of my brain's "focus," sometimes, I get lost in who I think I am and who I actually am. I came up with only one remedy-spend time away from others so that I cannot be influenced by them. Eventually all that will be left is me. Once I can strip away the layers of someone else that I've built over myself, I hope to emerge a person who will live a life of purpose, and not just live a life.

A Simple Kind of Life

2011-04-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

I've been making great strides to get organized, but I have a LOT to go. I really could be doing a lot better, but I've been choosing to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Constantly beating myself up over what I'm NOT doing really brings me down and makes me feel like not doing anything at all. I'm making so many changes all at once, I'm bound to need a bit of time to adjust.

Speaking of changes, the saying "you are who your friends are" is actually true. The people you surround yourself with really effects who you are as a person. I just cannot keep negative people in my life. I understand that all humans have different personalities, but all people should have a basic level of respect and kindness for others. If you don't, I don't want you around me. I just cannot have the life drained out of me by people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't want to spend time with people who feel like they are the center of the universe. If you can't see the bigger picture, then I don't want to be in yours.

I've been spending a lot of time alone lately (by choice!), and instead of spiraling out of control like I used to during bouts of solitude, I've been being productive. I simply do not miss going out to the bar and staying up late damaging my organs only to wake up a few hours later to either work or vomit. I'm much happier leading "a simple kind of life"-reading, cleaning, cooking, watching the TV shows of my 'youth,' and spending time with the people that I love most. Isn't that what it's REALLY all about?

Eye of the Storm

2011-03-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

The cliche saying "it always gets worse before it gets better" holds true. My "life cleanup" isn't following the fairy tale process that I had imagined, but it is at continuing at a steady speed. Unfortunately, although the speed IS steady, it's at the pace of a snail. I know that major life changes do not come easily or quickly, and they take effort and willpower, but it's frustrating to get little to no payback proving that what I'm doing is working. Only time will tell (I'm chock full of cliches today!).

The issue that's been plaguing me is the age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?" I think I need to draw the line between what I want to do, and what will actually be a profitable career. I am not interested in making bucketloads of money, and I will not get a degree in something that does not interest me, but it seems fairly unrealistic to think that I will be able to support myself by writing poems and memoirs that potentially might not ever be published. I am leaning toward substance abuse counseling, mostly because I would love to help people fight their inner demons and discover a light in all the dark. Also, a career in that field would make for interesting stories to write, therefore bridging the gap between both job and passion. I have a lot of money to make and a lot of money to save before that can happen, but the point is, it CAN happen. I'll just have to pry open that can of elbow grease.

Back Here, Baby

2011-03-22T05:53:00.001-07:00

The decision that my fate rested in has finally been made-it's back to LBT for me. I'm beyond excited to be moving back to the first apartment I ever rented. So much of my life happened in the year and a half that Sam and I lived there...I dated a guy I didn't love in an attempt to get over one that I did, I got a job that taught me more about life and myself in six months than I'd learned in 20 years, I had a traumatic experience with someone that I thought meant something in my life, I got fired, and then everything crashed and burned. It was a strange time, January 2008-June 2009. And although I haven no interest in crazy partying anymore, it definitely was the foundation to quasi-alcoholism: a good portion of that time period was spent in a drunken coma (or in the inescapable hangover that followed)....a fair number of parties were hosted, and I'm sure that there were plenty of brown patches on the grass around the porch (stomach acid does that, I hear). But there was something "homey" about the place, and even though it never felt like "home" per se, it was pretty damn close. It's going to be strange to be living there without my sister, because I feel like that place is representative of both her and I together, not separate. I was never used to being alone until this past year at Grassy Plain, and it's a strange feeling to come home and not expect anyone else to be there. But this is going to be different-I'm no longer going to feel like I'm living in a hotel, in a place where I don't belong. I'm finally going to feel like I can be at peace. And peace, apparently, only costs $400-per-month.

Overnight Celebrity

2011-03-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

In a culture that is obsessed with celebrities, it's not hard to see why the pursuit of physical perfection is so prevelant (how's that for alliteration!). All cultures have standards of beauty, and none of them exactly mirror another, but America's standards are chock-full of contradiction. Big breasted hourglass figures are supposedly the most sought after, but the vast majority of models are pin thin with chests that rival that of a 6th grade boy. And there is nothing wrong with that (as long as this body type is natural and not the effect of starvation or disordered eating), but it does send mixed signals to the impressionable females of the younger generation. Not enough is being done to promote healthy body image. Instead, we're all trying to look like famous people-an elite group that is fortunate enough to be able to afford weekly facials, massages, waxes, dyejobs, boobjobs, manicures, pedicures, botox, bleachings, and other enhancing procedures. Celebrities make their money based on their appearance, and they understandably want to stall the aging process in order to continue to be relevant in an industry where youth is everything. But those of us whose incomes do not depend on our lack of wrinkles don't have to subject ourselves to such procedures, we do it as a result of sheer vanity. The amusing (or not so amusing, depending on how you interpret it) thing is, the vast majority of our country is overweight. Meaning, we're a country of fat people who covet the looks of slim people who can afford to keep up their youthful appearances. We're obsessed with this idea of perfection, but not interested in putting in the work to attain it. We want to join prestigious gyms, but not actually go to them. We want to eat a supersize BigMac meal a few times a week, but are baffled by the fact that we aren't getting any thinner. We spent millions of dollars a year on diet pills that we should KNOW do not work, because if they did, no one would be fat. Women spend thousands of dollars a year to change their hair color, buy makeup to cover their skin, enhance their eyes, contour their cheeks, plump their lips. But going too far has disasterous results. We've all seen the 40-something woman walking through the mall wearing what seems like her teenage daughter's skinny jeans and Ugg boots, while carrying a Mochaccino and texting on her iPhone. And what do we do when we see this? Fall over each other to admire her beauty? No. Usually, we snigger as she walks by, because in her attempt to turn back the clock, she has actually made herself stand out as someone who is, well, attempting to turn back the clock. There's a fine line between looking youthful and vital and trying too hard. Perhaps it's time to start teaching the youth that exercise and eating right should be the foundation for a healthy and beautiful body, and that it isn't always necessary to smother ourselves with products that drastically alter our appearance. We don't all need to look famous. We need to look like ourselves. We just need to be willing to put in the work to make it the best version of ourselves we can be-without the nips and tucks.

Rest Assured

2011-03-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

You know the feeling when everything boils down to one person's decision, and you have no control over it? It's like being stuck on the edge of a cliff, waiting to see if the wind is going to push you over or pull you to safety. Right now, I've been presented with two opportunities, and one of them is much less appealing than the other. Obviously, I'd like to walk away with the more desirable of the two, but it all hangs in the balance of someone else's decision. I desperately need to save money, and I can do with both options, but I'd also love to keep my privacy and sanity. Waiting around for an answer is probably the most frustrating thing in the world. I don't know how to go about planning for something if I'm not sure what that something is yet. Either way, I need to ditch my old attitude and assume a new one...hopefully I find out what that is soon enough...

I-Can't-Get-No...Sat-is-fac-tion

2011-03-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

Because of my extensive amounts of "free time" at work (and a severe BlackBerry addiction), I stumbled upon the film "Peach Plum Pear," and was immediately struck with the desire to see it. Doing a little research, I found that the film was made by three women, which is promising in itself, but when I saw the bio's on the director, producer, and writer, my jaw dropped. The director is the oldest of the three, and she's 26, the other two being 23 years old. It got me thinking seriously about where I am in life, and my dissatisfaction with it. I could blame it on my childhood, my parents, my lack of financial resources, but it basically boils down to the fact that I just don't have the desire to BECOME anything. I grew up thinking I wanted to be a teacher, and basically flushed thousands of dollars down the toilet because after 3 years of paying for school, I realized I'd just been repeating my 8 year old dream for over 10 years and not ACTUALLY thinking about whether I wanted to attain that goal anymore. So now what? What do I want to be? Financially secure comes to mind, but how do I get there without a "dream job" in place? I don't have any skills, unless making little kids laugh and cleaning dirty diapers counts. I love my job(s) as a nanny, I really do, but it's not fulfilling and it has no room for advancement. I want a job that lights a fire in me, and the ability to keep stirring the coals over the years instead of dreading the day where I'm so burnt out that I can't even say "do you want fries with that?" Once my goal of being debt free is met (hopefully, but unrealistically, by December 31), I hope to be able to explore what makes me feel whole and attempt to make a career out of it. I'm sick of living a half-life.

Closing Time

2011-03-01T10:40:00.001-08:00

It's March 1st, and the lease on my apartment is up at the end of the month. I am beyond excited to leave. Of course, there have been great times at LBT^2, but I came into it during turmoil and the negativity stayed. It was almost tangible. It never felt like "home" to me, but then again, no place ever has (thanks for the nomad lifestyle, dad). Instead, I felt like it was a 'crash pad,' which I suppose it was most of the time. LBT^2 housed 2 different friends when they needed a place to go, on top of the countless slumber parties where people were too drunk to leave and I was too drunk to care. But at the end of every day, when I walk through the door, there is no sense of relief, no sense of belonging (story of my life). There's something light and open about this new place, and I can't wait to call it home. It's cheaper, nicer (in my opinion, which in this case is the only one that
matters), close to my gym and closer to my best friend, and far enough away from the negativity that has plagued me for quite some time now. It's month to month, so I have no permanent ties, which is good for someone like me who is constantly drifting through life with no definite purpose. The point, of course, is to pay down my bills so I CAN have a purpose, or at least work toward one. Overall, I feel like I've been poisoned and am now finally starting to suck it all out of me. I just hope I don't spit it in anyone else's direction.

Anna

2011-02-24T20:40:00.001-08:00

Her pale, flaking skin is tightly stretched
across her protruding cheekbones,
looking almost as if it would rip if she smiled.
But she won't.

I put my hand on hers,
more to comfort myself than to console her.
Her hand is dry, rough, cold.
Not even the warmth of my skin
could defrost her bony fingers.
She puts her head on my shoulder,
and I can feel her tears falling
onto my chest.

We sit in silence.
No words would ease her pain anyway.
But I burned to ask her why.
Why?
She was once so beautiful, so vibrant, so
full of life. All that is gone now,
flushed away along with today's vomit.

She smells like it now.
A putrid, overwhelming stench.
Her teeth were yellowing,
and her tongue, although a whitish pink,
sometimes revealed speckles of red from when
the blood from her eroding esophagus finally
made its way up to her mouth.

She sobs, and I pull her closer,
her sharp shoulder bone piercing even deeper
into me.
"Tomorrow will be better," I saw, and she nods-
even though we both know it isn't true.

And So It Begins

2011-02-19T09:39:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow begins my 66 day challenge. While the goals are unnecessary to share with anyone, the point is clear-it takes 66 days to make a change become a habit. I have plenty of changes that need to be made (who doesn't?), but I'm starting with just a few to test my willpower. I suppose a test of willpower isn't necessary, because if I had any, I wouldn't need to do a 66 day challenge, but I digress. So far in life, I've always lived for the present. I ignore the past, because it hurts, and I don't count on the future, because it's not guaranteed. This way of living is idealistic and simply doesn't work. All 3 must be combined in order to form a well rounded view on life. I'm constantly stressing out about things that would be unnecessary to worry about if I hadn't messed them up in the first place. I also realize that much of the negative energy in my life can be attributed to my attempts to clean up messes that aren't mine. I'm always on the fence about that. Isn't it better to help others before yourself? Isn't putting yourself first selfish? Obviously yes, based on definition, but we're constantly being told "you can't help others until you help yourself." My entire life proves how false that cliché is.

Essentially...

2011-02-14T19:01:00.001-08:00

There are 7 people essential to my survival. That might sound dramatic, but it is 100% true. I was always non-religious (so much so that I'd make my aunt cry and beg jesus to save my soul everytime she saw me) until 2004. I haven't ever told anyone what changed me so drastically, because it would mean giving up two secrets I've kept from every other human being. They might be the only 2 secrets about myself I've ever actually kept. Either way, it changed me. Not necessarily for the better or worse, but it gave me something I'd never bothered with before-hope. Jayden set everything into motion, and the arrivals of Audrey, Kaleb, and Cami expanded my heart so much I'm not sure how it even fits in my chest. Them, and my siblings, are my entire life. Sometimes they're the only thing that gets me through the day. The babies can't possibly know how much they mean to me, and I think my
siblings underestimate their worth. But I simply would not be able to function without them.

It's funny how some people don't realize the effect they have on you, while others overestimate their importance in your life....

Fw: No Time But The Present

2011-02-12T07:41:00.001-08:00

While going through old blog entries last night, I found that both everything and nothing have changed. I suppose that when any person reflects, they feel the same way.

I've been going about things in such a lackadaisical way, so in an effort to fix that, I hired a personal assistant. Which is just a fancy sounding term for someone I pay to do me favors and remind me of things I'd otherwise forget about. He holds me accountable for things that I have promised to do (yet wouldn't do if someone wasn't making sure they were done). Some might say it's pure laziness on my part, and they could be right, but I simply cannot do everything that I need to do if I'm not held accountable for it somehow. Yeah. That does sound pathetic...

I'm hoping that I can get it together ASAP..

"Fancy Shirt"

2011-02-09T20:32:00.000-08:00

i wrote this 3 years ago, but it is so fucking relevant...

I frequently get asked the "what do you want to be" question, and every time I always find it as amusing. What do you mean, what am I going to be? That question indicates that someday, I'll be something, but right now I'm not. I am not going to college to "become" something. I'm going to college to learn about things that I'm interested in. My goal is not to come out of college with a degree and "start my life." My life began 21 years ago. There have been many twists and turns, but there is only one beginning. It's also interesting to see people's faces when they hear I'm studying Anthropology and Sociology. "What can you do with that?" Well, I'll have a decent amount of knowledge about human beings and culture. My goal in life is simple-I want to live a great one. I don't care about money, presents, big houses, fancy cars, etc etc. I just want to have a good time. Why be miserable? In Communications today, our teacher had us go around and say what we were majoring. Then she asked us to say what our dream job would be. 80% of people's answers didn't match up. Why study something if your dream is to do something else? I don't know. It's either too complicated or too simple, but either way I'm done with worrying about things. Life is such a fragile state. I want to do cool shit, meet cool people, hear good music, see good movies, eat good food, and have good conversations. I want to be around people that I love and people that are awesome, regardless what other people think about them. I want to do whatever comes to my mind. Perhaps I have no money, but honestly, what the fuck does some green piece of paper mean when you're breathing your last breath? That you're hooked up to a fancier life support machine? It's senseless to care about bullshit like that. I just want to find a reason to smile and laugh every day, and so far I've been successful. I hope that I always am.

FINALLY

2011-02-09T18:00:00.001-08:00

setting this up so i could post from my phone was harder than my junior year algebra 2 class.

50 things you probably don't care to know about me

2010-12-07T10:25:00.001-08:00

1. if i'm not wearing dark nail polish, i don't feel like myself.

2. i hate writing in blue ink.

3. i can sometimes come off as a know-it-all. but that might be because i know it all.

4. i give the world's best advice. i just don't take any of it.

5. i'm extremely patient, almost to a fault. on the inside, i'm seething, but you'd never know it.

6. my most prized possessions are my journals. my life has been chronicled since i was 8 years old. i'd write a memoir if any of it was remotely interesting.

7. i'm an excellent judge of character. i know within seconds if i'll like someone or not. but i always give people the chance to prove me wrong. it's rare that they do.

8. i appreciate someone that can keep me on my toes. it's not easy to do that.

9. i will drop whatever i'm doing for sam, laura, or robert. i do not exist without them. if they called me at 3:00 am in need of a sponge, it would be there by 3:15.

10. if you are someone that i ever called a friend, even if we are bitter enemies now, you can guarantee that i'd do what i can to help you out anyway.

11. no matter how many pairs of socks or hair ties i buy, i'm constantly in need of more.

12. i am the most organized person in the world...on paper. in reality, not so much.

13. i'm obsessed with tea. no sugar, no cream, no honey. just plain.

14. i'm always curious to know why people choose to be my friend.

15. you know i'm intoxicated if i tell you how straight of a line i can walk.

16. my favorite color, song, and movie change so often that it's impossible to keep track.

17. my favorite flower is a lilac. it was my grandmother's too.

18. i don't like when people give me presents. i know a lot of people say that and don't mean it, but i mean it. i like to buy things for myself when i want them.

19. i don't like reality TV, at all. except for 'keeping up with kardashians,' i was sucked into that recently and i wish i could stop watching, but i can't!

20. i've seen eve6 live 8 times. they've never disappointed me with a show.

21. the most listened to song on my itunes is incubus "wish you were here," although i rarely am thinking about anyone in particular when i listen to it.

22. i don't care about sports. i'll watch them if i'm with other people who are watching it, but i don't care to pay attention. i'm not the type of girl to pretend to be interested just so the guys think she's cool. i just don't care. but i won't fuss either.

23. it would be impossible to date me if you don't like my family. it's almost impossible to date me in the first place, but if you can't hang out with them then there's just no way. i'm with them too often.

24. i get very annoyed if someone doesn't respond to a text or a message.

25. samoas are my favorite girl scout cookie. i don't understand people who like thin mints.

26. i pee more than a normal person should. if i pee less than 15 times a day, i'm worried.

27. i have to q-tip my ears immediately after a shower or i start panicking.

28. my totally unrealistic dream car is a lamborghini murcielago. i'm also dying for a toyota rav4. makes sense to me.

29. i don't particularly love or hate any season. i'm grateful for every day that i'm alive, regardless of temperature.

30. i am incapable of being mean. even if i don't like you, you won't know it. it's not me being fake, either. it's called being nice. being fake is pretending i'm your best friend when i secretly have a voodoo doll of you in my closet. being nice is tolerating your existence.

31. i know a fair amount about fashion and designers, although you'd never know it from the way i dress.

32. i am unnaturally excited by office supplies. i feel physical relief when i walk into staples or office max.

33. it is impossible for me to go into target or wal*mart without spending $50 or more, even if i only went in for a pack of gum.

34. i can bake AND cook, not just one or the other.

35. i'm always happy when different groups of my friends like each other, because since i never have time to see anyone, it's awfully convenient to have them all in the same place.

36. my favorite numbers are 4 and 6. shouldn't take a genius to figure out why.

37. before i became a vegetarian, the people at charley's subs in the mall would have my order on the grill before i even walked over to the counter. i never knew whether to be pleased or embarrassed about that.

38. i don't dream of getting married or having kids, but i'm not opposed to the idea either.

39. if i ever get engaged, i hope it's cute like in 'the count of monte cristo,' where he ties a string around his ring finger and one around hers, until he can afford a nice ring. except i'm not a fan of diamonds. i'd rather keep the string.

40. i will repeatedly fail at something before i ask for help. i'm exceedingly proud.

41. if i had one superpower, it'd be the power to heal.

42. a part of me died inside when they closed funstation. now it's hard to find an excuse to go rollerblading.

43. no place i've ever lived has felt like "home" to me. wherever sam, laura, and robert are is my home.

44. jayden, audrey, kaleb, and cami are the cutest kids on this planet. there is no arguing that point with me. i cannot even begin to describe how many times their smiles have saved me.

45. even though my family and friends have more drama than a tabloid magazine, it's comforting to know that they always have my back. even if they talk about me behind it afterwards :) (i type that with a smile!)

46. some people say that i'm very intimidating at first. this is probably true. but if you know me, you know i'm a big puddle of mush on the inside.

47. i hate it if i'm awake and other people are sleeping. i used to give my mom dirty looks when she took naps.

48. there is no one on this planet more infuriating than my father. there is also no one on the planet who's approval i seek more.

49. i've always wanted to visit rome (i took latin for 7 years!) but i'm too terrified to fly. the last time i flew will be the last time!

50. i have one goal in life-to live it happily. i don't care about money, success, prestige, any of that. i don't care if i get a fancy box to lay in. all i care about are the people who will be around it.

Forgive Me Father

2010-07-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

There are far few things worse in this life than being made to look like a fool. It is especially difficult for someone who's biggest flaw is one of the most deadly of the Seven Deadly Sins-pride. The strange thing about me is, I realize when I'm being made to look like a fool, but I give people the benefit of the doubt. I allow myself to be treated like I'm expendable. Not because I believe that I am, but because a small part of me hopes that people have goodness left in them and will one day realize the error of their ways. Sadly, giving people this benefit is sucking the goodness out of me. I'm so concerned with helping other people to be the best that they can be that I'm stripping away the layers of myself. I'm getting to the point where I'm giving so much that there is nothing left to give. Once it gets to that point, there's nothing left for myself either. And it's true what they say-you can't help ANYONE until you can help yourself. I find it amusing because I'm told so often by my friends how calm and collected I am, how strong I am, and how I always do the right thing. Every single time I find myself wondering what it is they are seeing, because I certainly don't feel any of those things. I'm constantly bordering paranoia, I feel so fragile that one blow could crack me, and I allow myself to be involved with things that are just plain immoral. And I do it because I feel like I have to. I've been conditioned to be a caregiver. When I was little, I had to take care of myself and my siblings. That hasn't changed. I take care of kids for a living. I drop on a dime to do anything for my friends. I've been told over and over that I'm as close to a saint as a human can possibly be. But it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've given just about everything I have without expecting anything in return, from anyone. But just because I don't expect it doesn't mean that I don't deserve it. I deserve the same respect that I give. If I'm willing to stop what I'm doing to help out a friend, I don't expect them to do the same, but shouldn't they want to? It is this reason that I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of for so long. The past few days have opened my eyes to the fact that while pride may be deadly, at least it doesn't leave you feeling cheap. I realize now that I can't force goodness upon others. While I sincerely hope that everyone has goodness in them, I now see that I cannot necessarily bring it out of them, and that I shouldn't feel that I have to. I can't allow myself to become an empty shell because I have given every part of myself away. I deserve the same life that I try so hard to give other people. Instead of swallowing my pride, I'm keeping it on my plate.

Fresh

2010-01-03T17:29:00.001-08:00

There really isn't such thins a "fresh start." You always carry the burdens of your past with you, even as you enter into something new. New Years' resolutions are sort of silly. Shouldn't you try to change your bad habits or begin to form good ones the second you think of them? I think that people are far too obsessed with perfection, myself included, even though I know it's futile. One of the lines in the song "Good Lives" says "I never wanted to be like you or all the rest, I've always been the first one to settle for second best"-how brilliant is that? The harder that I try to shoot for perfection, the more I realize that I'm okay with falling short. It's not laziness, it's being content. I don't want to push myself to make a mark on the whole world. I'm okay with being important to just a few people in it. Isn't that what really matters?

'Til Death Do Us Part

2009-09-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

I've always taken issue with loss. People, places, things. I moved around a lot as a kid. Never far from the general area that I live in, but from birth to now, I've lived in nine different places. I went to two different elementary schools and two different middle schools, having to deal with the awkward "making new friends" part of life two more times than would have been necessary if I had never moved at all, and making new friends was never something I was good at. It was difficult to say goodbye to old friends and even more difficult to build up the courage to say hello to new ones. Perhaps this is the reason why now, at twenty two years old, I find it impossible to let people out of my life. I have let poisonous, unworthy people into my life, and instead of cutting ties when I finally "saw the light," I instead chose to hold on to these people, although sometimes at a distance. I realize that my inability to throw things from my life away probably stems from some deep seeded issue that I have yet to identify, but I'm very curious to consider theories on the subject. I can barely throw away a receipt without giving it a thought. This is why my life is so full of clutter. Perhaps because I have a real issue with the things that I have lost in life and I try to make up for it by holding close EVERYTHING in it now, regardless of its usefulness. I in no way mean to give the impression that I'm complaining about my life-I have been very blessed and thank God for His gifts numerous times a day, but I believe that I have the right to look at the life I have led and attempt to decipher the meaning behind my ways.

In any case, I plan on using the next few days and upcoming weekend to rid the clutter from my life. This will be time consuming-there are magazines that I have kept for ten years on my shelves. But I need to rid my life of unnecessary things. I think that I need to make sure I revisit my past more often in order to keep my present and future on the right path.

Although it's used in marriage vows, I think of this more in terms of life in general. I've never believed in the phrase "'til death do us part." Nothing in life is constant, except for one fact-everything is always changing.

I regret to inform you...

2009-07-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

re*gret
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
2. to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

We've all heard it a million times-someone say "I live my life without any regrets." I myself have often used the phrase, but after giving it some thought, it simply sounds ridiculous. We all do things throughout our life spans that sometimes are not fully thought out. Driving drunk, vandalism, stealing, cheating, fighting, being verbally abusive. Sadly, most of us do the majority of those things, and more, throughout the duration of our lives. Can we really say that we do these things without feeling remorseful for them? Hurting loved ones, or someone else's loved ones? Compassion is a part of human nature, and although we may not act on that compassion, it still exists inside ourselves (for the most part). I wholeheartedly agree with the concept-learn from your mistakes, try to make the best out of dispiriting situations, and move on. But it IS regret if you move on and feel bad about the situation. It is NOT regret if you move on and feel no compassion toward the people affected by the situation. But, honestly, how often does that happen? Even some of the most difficult people have the ability to feel sorrow. Perhaps we could find a new phrase for what we THINK we are talking about. Or just accept the fact that it's human nature to act regrettably from time to time. The average lifespan is almost 80 years, giving us a lot of time to mess up.