This Is Oprah's Idea

I have never watched Oprah a day in my life (though not the same thing can be said for my father, who I have caught on numerous occasions indulging in the late afternoon talk show), but I think it's safe to assume that she's a fairly wise woman. You can't possibly get that rich by being an idiot (unless your last name is Hilton or you make a sex tape and then pitch a reality show-hmm, I suppose the former can also be grouped with the latter). So when my darling friend Sara suggested that I take Oprah's advice and create a list of things I require from a significant other, I obliged. Here is my list:

*Must love the movie "Clerks 2."
I don't care how you feel about "Clerks" (though if you don't like the original at all, I can't imagine you liking the sequel), but you must love "Clerks 2." Not like it, but love it. And you must not be opposed to watching it on a fairly regular basis.

*Must be willing to try my culinary creations.
I eat a vegan diet. I don't care if you eat meat or not, and I won't try to convert you, but if you aren't at least willing to try my concoctions, then CHECK PLEASE.

*Must be immature.
Most women are looking for grown up men who can take care of them. I am not one of them. If you can't turn almost anything into a sexual joke (or at least give me props when I beat you to the punch), then it won't work out.

*Must speak.
That sounds like a ridiculous requirement, but when you've dated someone who was not, shall we say, vocal, then you know how annoying it is to pick up both sides of a conversation. And trust me, I like to hear my own voice. But if you think I'm going to carve time out of my schedule to watch TV in silence with you, you're crazy. I could do that at my own house, without wasting the quarter tank in gas it takes to get to your house.

*Must be okay with me being a drunken mess.
If you know me, that's self explanitory. If you don't, then I'm sorry. Because I'm awesome. Now, I'm not someone who drinks every other day (anymore), but every once in while, I tend to forget that my liver doesn't need a whole bottle of vodka. On those days, I expect you to either LET me sleep in the woods if I insist, or at least laugh when I'm yelling at you for waking me up. Also, remind me to make sure BOTH shoes are on my feet on the way out of the bar.

*Must be flexible.
Not in the bedroom (well...). I'm talking about with life in general. If something unexpected happens, you've got to be able to handle it. You've got to adapt to life, it doesn't adapt to you.

*Must be tall.
Okay, that one isn't really a requirement. Being okay with letting me wear my 6 inch heels even if they make you look 6 inches shorter than me IS a requirement. This is also related to my "drunken mess" requirement, because if I AM wearing 6 inch heels and I'm drinking, take either the heels or the drink away from me.

*Must not be annoying.
I'll admit to suffering from minor bouts of annoying girlfriend syndrome in the past, but at this point in my life, I just don't care. I will not text you to say good morning (and I expect the same decency), I don't care if you go out with your friends (and I expect the same decency), and I won't make you buy me dinner/movie tickets/anything (and I expect the same decency). I don't want you to always be touching me, I'm fairly certain I can stand up straight without support (unless, of course, we're again in that 'drunken mess' situation). I don't need to know what you're doing every second of the day (nor do I care). Don't complain about my guy friends (I had them before I even knew you, and if I haven't had sex with them yet, there's a reason for it).

*Must love my family.
I am very close to all of my family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. You can find me and my uncle at opposite ends of the beer pong table in my cousin's garage, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you don't want to come to family parties and make these people some of your favorite in the world, then don't bother. We'll finish the keg without you.

*Must not be an addict.
I just can't be involved with any sort of 12 step program.

*Must love kids.
I didn't say want them, I said love them. There are a lot of kids in my life, and if you can't grab a nerf gun or a tiara and make them laugh, then you are probably not human and I'm not into inter-species erotica, despite my love for "Clerks 2."

*Must be funny.
For a world that is filled with people that always say a sense of humor is important, there sure are a lot of frowns out there. Be the kind of person that can turn them upside down.

If you meet these requirements, call me (but not TOO often).